PROJECT FIB

Well wee Princess Nicola has taken to my fibbin' strategy like a jakey to the Buckie.

Much to my delight, my wee comrade had the bottle to stand up in front of the massed ranks of Freedom Dreamers at my little Bamberg Gathering in Perth and promise to remove certain green charges from power bills so they were an average of £70 per year lower. Obviously she didn't mention that average bills in a Free Calbania would have to increase by around £875 per year after independence because Scottish households would have to pay wind farm subsidies currently spread across the whole UK.

I really didn't need the pointy heads at the David Hume Institute or Citigroup to point out this inevitable price hike but fair play to Nicola the Naive. She was limited in her application of economic facts to the truth.

Not only that my friends, she then put the icing on the cake by launching her very own Project Feart,  claiming that the Westminster junta would “turn the screw",  “dismantle Scotland’s social security system” and “cut Scotland’s budget” if Scots voted No.

Magic, pure factually baseless mince but magic nonetheless.

Of course, the castrati in Perth shrilled with approval.

Not to be outdone by Comrade Nicola, I then topped the show by filling their unpolished minds with a speech in which I left the awkward issue of economic reality to one side and appealed to base nationalism and a desire for self determination at all costs.

It went down a treat.

Afterwards, as my limousine whisked me back to my HQ at the suitably prestigious Gleneagles Hotel, I got a call from Dear Joan McAggro, my Head of Wasteland Security. She was still in Perth arming the unthinking with Yes badges.

"Oh Great Bravebelly" she cooed, " I swear you could convince Texans to vote for independence from the USA. You really are that good. We're on our way to Free Calbania and I cannae wait! Thank you so much."

I sat back in the limo and smiled.

A free Texas. Why not? Look at the parallels. To hell with all the benefits of a successful Union and federal system. They've got oil, attitude and the Alamo. We've got a wee bit of oil, a barrel load of fibs and Bannockburn. And me of course.

"Do you know Joan. I actually think I could. Now get off the phone and get back to handing out the badges. Don't forget, we are way behind in the polls and if the quiet majority actually go out and vote next September then we will be consigned to the dustbin of history."