THE DIVORCE PAPERS

Dear UK,

I know it's been 300 years that you and I have been together and during that time we have shared both good times and bad. The industrial revolution, an enriching and, at times, embarrassing empire, a world class education system, shared values,  seamless trading relations and, of course, the great sacrifices made by us both in the two world wars.

However, I, Bravebelly, have decided that your time is up.

UK..............I'm leaving you.

Who and what for you may ask?

Well, that's complicated. 

I mean, it's not as if my new love is rich or offers me a better life. Quite the reverse actually. Times for my new love and I will be hard. Very hard. But we love each other and that's the main thing.

Now, I know this all might be a bit of a shock but I have made all the arrangements. I just need you to sign off on a few things and I'll be on my way.

Firstly, you will support me with your currency and banking guarantees so that the big, bad bond markets will lend me and my true love enough money for our new life together.

Second, you'll let me off my considerable share of the financial mess that we got into when my two Scottish banks went pop and you had to dip into your extensive wealth to bail me out. What's £ 120bn to you, a G7 economy?

Thirdly, think of the kids. I know the vast majority of them want to us to stay married but they just don't understand me and my needs. As you know, I've got my schools, universities, hospitals, shipyards, financial institutions, nationally registered and regulated plumbers, electricians, food companies and many, many more dependents that will need you to continue to spend your money with them and keep your current regulation and trading arrangements in place.

Now, that might be awkward because I can't begin to support these needy dependents on my own, as those busy bodies at the Institute of Fiscal Studies pointed out last week. Don't make them suffer because of my beautiful love affair and vaulting ambitions.

Please bear with me UK. I will be telling anyone that will listen that I want nothing more to do with you and that I can support myself without any help from you, my loyal and generous partner. But I can't. You know I can't and, sadly so do I.

So please, please, do me a big, big favour UK, and just ignore all that stuff and keep me and my reluctant dependents afloat. Let me share £s in your bank account, underwrite my debt,  my economic deficit and the pensions I can't afford. Don't make me impose a VAT rate of 28%; don't force me to cut public spending by 8% per annum and don't give me no option but to increase income tax by 9%. Don't make me do these things. After all, my dearest, it's all in my very best interests and I'll only blame you for the ensuing hardship  if you don't agree to my demands.

Now, trusted and loyal partner, I suppose you are wondering who it is that has captured my brave heart. Who is it that has broken our family and destroyed the harmony that has existed between us for so many years?

Well, my soon to be ex.

It's me.

I have fallen head over heels in love with myself. Totally, utterly and blindly.

Yours from Narcissus

Bravebelly

PS This pool looks very inviting. I think I'll ponder it awhile.