THE BOOK OF FIB

Followers! Here it is! At last!

My soft, strong and very, very long White Paper.

Soft on facts, very, very strong on assertion and, well, plain old brass neck. No ifs, no maybes, no perhaps.

A Panglossian vision to inspire my nation forward towards victory and my consequent monocracy.

Here you will find the salves to all the economic facts and inconvenient truths thrown in front of our rickety Charanbanc for Freedom by the Westminster Junta and their educated, cosmopolitan and economically reasoned Naysayers.

So where to start? Which Spear of Separation shall I select first to slay the Westmonster dragon?

How about the currency issue?
Well, we'll be keeping the £ and the Evil Baron Osborne will be told, by me, in no uncertain terms, to underwrite all the debt of Free Calbania so we don't end up like Greece. No need for a Plan B. The UK will do as it's tell't. Trust me. It'll be fine.

How about the EU?
Again, we'll be telling Barroso and Merkel exactly how things will work. I know they've said we'll have to apply to join the EU afresh and then have all our budgets approved by them but I'll not be tolerating that. Oh no. Once I've slain the English dragon then I'll dispose of the European hydra as well. Don't they know who I am?

How about our £ 120bn share of the UK national debt and your plans to fund it?
Er, next question.

How about pensions?
Oh yes. We'll be telling the UK that we'll be keeping all of that and be using their staff, resources and infrastructure until such time as we see fit to do otherwise.

And will pensions be capable of being sustained at the same level as they would  in the UK?
Yes

..........without a 28% VAT rate, a 61% hike in business rates and a minimum cut of 8% pa in public spending?
Er, no. Definitely not. But let's move on shall we. I haven't got all day you know.

What about all the defence jobs and shipbuilding in particular?
Look. I'm not really into all that war stuff so we'll have an Airfix Air Force and a navy that could fill up your bath tub.  A few thousand soldiers will have to be laid off mind, and their bases shut, but the soldiers will be alright. I hear that Aldi, Lidl and Poundland are all looking for security staff. The same lay offs for Clydeside and Rosyth I'm afraid as the UK dockyards take on the work our two yards would otherwise have received from the warmongering English MOD. But, followers, this is a very small price to pay. Believe me.

What happens when the oil runs out in 2040?
Wind, renewables, kelp, peat........sod it. I don't have kids and I'll be long dead. There will be statues of me all over Scotland by then so, frankly, who cares?

What about the £ 14bn budget deficit predicted in your own GERS Report and the £ 5.9bn shortfall in tax revenues the Institute of Fiscal Studies predict you will incur by coming out of the UK?
Well, what's £ 14bn pa between friends. I'll just borrow the money against your children's futures. As a diminished economic entity I know I'll be paying twice the current rate of the G7 UK for that money but let's leave that one for your bairns and grand bairns to sort out shall we?

...........and the £ 5.9bn?
Next question!

What about the fact that spending on higher education in Scotland will have to be cut or, if it is to be maintained at current UK levels, then the money would have to be raised from higher taxes and a minimum 8% cut in public spending?  

You miss the point. It's all about faith. In me.

The costs of duplicating a tax system, welfare system, diplomatic corps, embassies, a central bank and border security?

Billions of £/Euros/Skintos well spent my friend.

Why don't you implement your Childcare policy right now? You have the power to do so?

Because Her Nippiness Princess Nicola can't stomach the prospect of those incremental working women paying the tax from their new wages into the UK Treasury.

And what about the the fact that an independent Scotland couldn't hope to underwrite either of it's two big banks and so the Scottish banks will therefore move to London and UK regulation?

Look. That's enough of this search for certainty, facts and an equal standard of living to the one we enjoy within the UK. Life's a gamble. We'll be happier even although we'll be poorer. Economic prosperity isn't everything you know. As a teeny, weeny debt laden nation we'll be free to swim with minnows like Iceland, Ireland and Greece. A wee voice at a bigger table. We, the introspective, presumptuous and divisive will finally have had our day. Just enjoy the moment!

However, my tartan heroes, let me leave you with the most important point in all of this.

I, yes, I will be in Power! Unassailable, unquestioned and untrammeled power. A bit like my wee mate in Pyongyang - but not quite as obvious - except to those who disagree with me.

Just think of the trips abroad;  the embassies; the state occasions in Edinburgh and Stirling castles;  the entourage; the statues. Oh, William Wallace. Eat your heart out. I, Bravebelly, will speak for Scotland and unlike you my mediaeval expedient, become it's unquestioned leader!

Now, my fellow Bravehearts, let's await the inevitable surge in the You Gov polls whilst I turn my soaring intellect, and no little sum of taxpayers money, to the small matter of my coronation ceremony next September.

Forward!