THE LUNATIC FRINGE WAGS THE UNDERDOG

Good Evening Minions.

I was sitting in my extensive drawing room in Bute House last night admiring the recent addition of the beautifully painted frog faced chubby cherubs on my ornate ceiling when a rare moment of amour propre was rudely interrupted by my Head of Wasteland Security Joan McAggro. The door nearly flew off the hinges as she stormed into the room.

"Boss, boss, its the pointy heads! They've gone and formed a group called Academics Together and they're dead set against independence." she cried. " They say that in our Free Calbania Scottish institutions could no longer apply for hundreds of millions of UK funding for scientific and medical research that Scottish universities currently receive 13.1 per cent of UK Research Council funding compared to a population share of only 8.4 per cent. We can't stand for this."

"Indeed not my Dear Joan, indeed not." I sighed. "Nor can we match the current UK funding for Scottish universities, but that's a whole different matter."

"Boss." blurts out McAggro. "The party have already organised for Senga McRubbish and that Fife Berserker Nat Wee Davy McRabid to decry these 'supposed Scots'."

"OK Joan. OK. But that just means the press will demand a condemnation of any threats or intimidation by the SNP and our associated loons. Just as they did when they ran Farage out of town. Now that's a problem, because I cannot be seen to criticise my Berserker Nats. I'll have to do my usual and dance around the questions like one of these saft celebs on Strictly Come Dancing."

"So. Boss. What do you want me to do?" came the question.

"Leave it with me." I sighed "That manchild Angus Harmless and the recommendation for our Airfix Defence Force have just blown my option of reducing the £ 2.5bn defence budget to an Irish level of £750m so I'm all out of cash to shut up the Teflon heads. I need time to work on this White Paper. Bloody Hell Joan, all these demands for money to match the status quo and so little of it to hand out when we win this New War of Scottish Independence. I'll be honest Joan, there are times when I wonder why we are bothering. Things are so much easier as they currently stand."