DOUBTING JOCK

Sleep has been a stranger to me this week fellow heroes.

First the double whammy of the CPPR and the IFS exposing the  £ billions of shortfall in Free Calbania's tax revenues. Then someone suggesting that we'd have to cut our annual defence spending from £ 2.5bn to £ 750k to help plug the gap - now that would go down like a rat sandwich with all my friends in the Scottish Armed Forces and cost me thousands of votes from working Scots.

Finally, another pointy head claims that the EU will impose security measures on my New Mediaeval Nirvana such that every poor sod who crosses the border to and from rUK will have to show a passport.

It's times like this that I once again remember Robert the Bruce in his cave watching the spider repeatedly trying to gain a foothold on the wall.

Well sod the bloody spider. I'll just phone Big John and shift £ 800k out of Scottish  Water and into "strategic communications". That should help persuade the 75% of feckless unbelievers that economic recovery is of no importance compared to the chance of allowing the SNP to rule a Free Caledonia for millenia to come.

Just as that little shaft of light flashed across my peerless brain the phone rang.

It was Blind Jock, my good mate from Aberdeenshire.

"Hello Jock." I answered "Are you on to offer a couple of tips on the gee gees? "

"Well no Boss, not exactly"

I didn't like the rather serious tone from my otherwise cheery mate.

"It's just that myself and a few of the boys here in Aberdeenshire are a wee bitty worried about your chances next September." he sheepishly proffered.

"Dinna fash yersel' Jock" I replied in my best fake Doric.

"You see Boss." he continued " You lost 5,000 votes in the Aberdeen Donside by election and then there was a 3,000 vote swing in the by election loss at Dunfermline last week. The bookies are now offering odds on you winning a Yes vote of 5/1 against whilst a No vote is offered at 1/7 on - that's a racing cert! The bookies are also offering the lowest odds (4/9) on a turnout of more than 64% which is at least 14% higher than the 2011 Election and the highest turnout in a Scottish Parliamentary Election since 1999. So much for the undecided vote!"

"I mean, Boss, could it be that 2011 was simply a protest vote by canny Scots voters  who saw a Tory Govt looming and a Labour Party in disarray? Could it be that they weren't remotely interested in your mandate for a referendum but simply wanted a form of Devo Max which is no longer on offer in this referendum?

"Boss.........are we doomed?"

"Now calm down Jock." I soothed "I am the finest politician of my generation and I'll sort this out. The White Paper is out at the end of the month and all the questions will be answered. Let's see what the bookies are saying after that shall we?"

It was the best I could do. Even I know that you don't beat the bookies. Not at those odds.