HONOURABLE MEMBER

The newspapers were pushed under the door of my expansive bedroom at Bute House and the rapid retreat of the footsteps told me they bore bad news.

As usual, The Racing Post was first to be scanned. Quean Fifi had unseated her rider at the first hurdle at Musselburgh the day before and had cost me the usual £ 50 but that was only to be expected. She's been carrying too much weight for months now and can't last the distance. However, this was as nothing compared to the front pages of the broadsheets.

I picked out the first article and read on:

"The golfing world breathed a sigh of relief as the Honourable Member of the men only Burns Howff Club in Dumfries announced that he wasn't going to attend the Open Championship at Muirfield.
 In a bid to “woo women voters”, Mr Bravebelly is boycotting the Muirfield event after describing the men-only club as “indefensible in the 21st century."

Aw, naw. How on earth did they find out about Dumfries. Even I'd forgotten about that. It makes me look like a complete opportunist, and a hypocrite to boot.

It got worse:

"Croatia admitted to European Union but only on condition it adopts the Euro, thus scuppering Mr Bravebelly's hopes of selling EU membership to Scottish public as a Plan B currency option. Critics also point out that his latest  Isle of Man currency model has already been rejected by his own Fiscal Commission."

All this puts me in right guddle. Either I give up Scotland's control of the £ or I opt for a currency of our own, the Skinto. The voters will never agree to giving up control of the £ and Big John Swindly tells me the value of the Skinto would fall faster than Quean Fifi in the Grand National so that's a non starter.

Time for some diversionary English bashing methinks.

How about using a huge dollop of Creative Scotland's money to commission an STV series about my predecessors William Wallace and Robert the Bruce? Yes. Broadcast it in 2014. Even better.

Cynical, jingoistic, backward looking, parochial and divisive.

That's all the boxes ticked!