A massive big fly just flew into eye of Project Fib.
The Spanish PM Mariano Rajoy has confirmed that Free Calbania's bum would be well and truly oot of the EU windae if I am able to get my lethargic minions to sleepwalk into a Yes vote next September.
Senor Rajoy has an issue with the Catalans separatist movement, not to mention the hornet's nest that is the Basque region. There's simply no way Madrid will allow the precedent of negotiating an exit from within the EU. Then there's Gibraltar, where relations between us and the Spanish have hit an all time low.
What am I to do, comrades?
Well the first thing I did was to move into Project Fib mode and run off a dodgy letter from one of my own SNP minions saying that we could get round all this and negotiate from within the EU. However, my enemies were onto that like a flash. Rajoy and the Spanish have a veto and will use it, plummeting my nascent Gaelic Nirvana into financial and political chaos.
If I don't find a way to cut this Gordian Knot then my Book of Fib could be heading straight for the landfill sites by Christmas, with my party joining them in obliteration next September.
Thursday, 28 November 2013
THE BOOK OF FIB: THE AFTERMATH
As the limousines sped away from Glasgow, I could tell that my team felt right pleased with themselves. Her Nippiness was exceptionally cheery, in fact, I think that's the first time I'd ever seem her smile.
She couldn't contain herself:
"Well boss, what do you think? Pure dead brilliant wasn't it?"
"You think so?" I replied, feeling a slight wobble coming on. "Well I'm not so sure. Get on the phone and get everyone into HQ for a debrief. Now."
As I strode into the room with my Nippy Wee Sweetie following loyally behind, I addressed the large team of Scottish tax payer funded civil servants responsible for writing The Book of Fib.
"Right, first the plaudits. Who wrote the Preface?" A scribe held his hand up. "Well you did well son. The phrases about 'working in partnership with the UK' , 'social ties between Scotland and the UK will continue to thrive' and 'work from within the EU' were brilliant. Excellent fibbing, especially considering I could be about to enter bitter divorce proceedings with my southern neighbour and we'd be lobbed out of the EU the minute independence is declared. Top Twaddle my friend. Have a biscuit."
"Right, page 74. Who increased the OBR forecasts for oil and gas receipts by 50% and reduced the predicted interest on our invented share of UK National Debt by £ 600m?"
"I did Boss. Big John told me to do it in one of his Masterchef finance classes." Claimed another publicly funded civil servant.
"And was it also you that came up with that excellent fib about an Energy Fund even though we'll be running a deficit and that one about the UK continuing to subsidise Scottish renewables after the divorce goes through?"
"Yes Boss." he replied.
"Brilliant brass neck. Top fibbing. Have a biscuit."
"Right. That's enough of the biscuits. Now for the lash. Which bloody idiot wrote this on page 85: 'Scotland will continue to use the £, providing continuity and certainty to individuals and businesses in Scotland and rUK.'?
I could feel a distinct wobble coming on. A minion was about to get it tight.
"It was me boss" cheeped a voice from the back.
The hairdryer was turned to full blast and I began to wobble like a giant jelly just sprung from its mould.
"Well you're a bloody idiot! Did I not explicitly tell the lot of youse that any mentions of certainty and guarantee had to be left out of the Book of Fib?!? How the bloody hell can I offer the Scottish people certainty when the very thing I am proposing is entirely based on the opposite - uncertainty. I have no guarantees, no certain facts and no certain outcomes. None whatsoever. We're completely contradicting ourselves here. Now get out of my sight!"
The humiliated public servant slipped out of the room.
"Right. Who's the fud that wrote page 111? C'moan. Own up!"
Another public servant's hand went up.
"It was me, boss" a stuttering voice squeaked back.
"Well you're getting your jotters as well pal. I mean, for the sake of Boaby Bruce. What's all this tosh about an independent Scotland being open to making different currency arrangements after I pound the Evil Osborne into submission on us keeping the £? You cannae say that!"
"But, Boss," came the whining response, "you said that we had to leave the door open for Robbie Marx and the nutters that want to create a sky high tax based Scottish Collective economy using the Skinto."
'Yes I did boy. But I didn't ask you to print it did I? The UK and the Bond Markets are going to feed on me like the cold hearted sharks they are. It'll be like a scene from bloody Jaws. Now get out."
Slowly, the rage began to pass.
"Right. That's it for now. Just for now mind. As for the rest of you. Well done. Disney couldnae have come up with a more fantastical storyline. "An Argos catalogue without the prices" they are calling it. Well, howlers aside, that's exactly what we wanted."
Carry on.
She couldn't contain herself:
"Well boss, what do you think? Pure dead brilliant wasn't it?"
"You think so?" I replied, feeling a slight wobble coming on. "Well I'm not so sure. Get on the phone and get everyone into HQ for a debrief. Now."
As I strode into the room with my Nippy Wee Sweetie following loyally behind, I addressed the large team of Scottish tax payer funded civil servants responsible for writing The Book of Fib.
"Right, first the plaudits. Who wrote the Preface?" A scribe held his hand up. "Well you did well son. The phrases about 'working in partnership with the UK' , 'social ties between Scotland and the UK will continue to thrive' and 'work from within the EU' were brilliant. Excellent fibbing, especially considering I could be about to enter bitter divorce proceedings with my southern neighbour and we'd be lobbed out of the EU the minute independence is declared. Top Twaddle my friend. Have a biscuit."
"Right, page 74. Who increased the OBR forecasts for oil and gas receipts by 50% and reduced the predicted interest on our invented share of UK National Debt by £ 600m?"
"I did Boss. Big John told me to do it in one of his Masterchef finance classes." Claimed another publicly funded civil servant.
"And was it also you that came up with that excellent fib about an Energy Fund even though we'll be running a deficit and that one about the UK continuing to subsidise Scottish renewables after the divorce goes through?"
"Yes Boss." he replied.
"Brilliant brass neck. Top fibbing. Have a biscuit."
"Right. That's enough of the biscuits. Now for the lash. Which bloody idiot wrote this on page 85: 'Scotland will continue to use the £, providing continuity and certainty to individuals and businesses in Scotland and rUK.'?
I could feel a distinct wobble coming on. A minion was about to get it tight.
"It was me boss" cheeped a voice from the back.
The hairdryer was turned to full blast and I began to wobble like a giant jelly just sprung from its mould.
"Well you're a bloody idiot! Did I not explicitly tell the lot of youse that any mentions of certainty and guarantee had to be left out of the Book of Fib?!? How the bloody hell can I offer the Scottish people certainty when the very thing I am proposing is entirely based on the opposite - uncertainty. I have no guarantees, no certain facts and no certain outcomes. None whatsoever. We're completely contradicting ourselves here. Now get out of my sight!"
The humiliated public servant slipped out of the room.
"Right. Who's the fud that wrote page 111? C'moan. Own up!"
Another public servant's hand went up.
"It was me, boss" a stuttering voice squeaked back.
"Well you're getting your jotters as well pal. I mean, for the sake of Boaby Bruce. What's all this tosh about an independent Scotland being open to making different currency arrangements after I pound the Evil Osborne into submission on us keeping the £? You cannae say that!"
"But, Boss," came the whining response, "you said that we had to leave the door open for Robbie Marx and the nutters that want to create a sky high tax based Scottish Collective economy using the Skinto."
'Yes I did boy. But I didn't ask you to print it did I? The UK and the Bond Markets are going to feed on me like the cold hearted sharks they are. It'll be like a scene from bloody Jaws. Now get out."
Slowly, the rage began to pass.
"Right. That's it for now. Just for now mind. As for the rest of you. Well done. Disney couldnae have come up with a more fantastical storyline. "An Argos catalogue without the prices" they are calling it. Well, howlers aside, that's exactly what we wanted."
Carry on.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
ERR.............
What do I say about this???
The White Paper gives two methods by which Scotland's national debt might be calculated. First, Scotland could take its population share of the UK debt. This is based on the argument that all UK citizens have an equal stake in the debt and that Scotland should therefore be allocated a share of debt equivalent to its share of the population. Second, Scotland's liability could be based on its past record of fiscal deficits and surpluses. This amounts to arguing that Scotland should only be responsible for that part of the UK debt that relates to revenues and spending in Scotland. If you start the clock in 1980, when oil was about to come on stream, Scotland's debt is much lower than with the population method. Both arguments have merit, though one might question the choice of starting date in the second option. Having opened the argument, the White Paper does not come down either on one side or the other, arguing that the "Scottish Government will service the share of the debt allocated to Scotland". This is as close as it gets to acknowledging that the outcome will be a matter of negotiation and so cannot be definitively assigned before the independence vote. It is clear that the rest of the UK would press for the population share.
Another consideration is the precise ownership of the debt. The White Paper says that "the Scottish Government does not envisage that a proportion of UK debt would be legally transferred to Scotland on independence". If this were to happen, then the tricky issue of Scotland issuing its own debt is avoided. Scotland would cover its share of the costs of servicing the agreed level of debt at whatever rates of UK interest rates. The markets might add some risk premium to these rates for this rather unconventional mechanism, but they are still likely to be less than the borrowing costs that a newly independent Scotland would face both because it would present as a new and unknown risk to the markets and because the market for Scottish debt would be much smaller than that of the UK as a whole, which increases the average costs of trades.
The key issue that the White Paper does not cover is why the rest of the UK should agree to this arrangement. Would it not be less problematic for the rest of the UK to force Scotland to issue its own debt? A debt-sharing mechanism might be least disruptive in the capital markets, but creditors would need some reassurance that the commitment of one country to help pay another's debts is credible. There would clearly have to be very stringent legal agreements between both governments on the allocation of servicing costs. There is also the question of paying off debt. If the UK decides to reduce the overall value of its debt, will the agreement with the Scottish Government require it to meet its share of costs of debt reduction?
Yours in a modicum of panic
Bravebelly
The White Paper gives two methods by which Scotland's national debt might be calculated. First, Scotland could take its population share of the UK debt. This is based on the argument that all UK citizens have an equal stake in the debt and that Scotland should therefore be allocated a share of debt equivalent to its share of the population. Second, Scotland's liability could be based on its past record of fiscal deficits and surpluses. This amounts to arguing that Scotland should only be responsible for that part of the UK debt that relates to revenues and spending in Scotland. If you start the clock in 1980, when oil was about to come on stream, Scotland's debt is much lower than with the population method. Both arguments have merit, though one might question the choice of starting date in the second option. Having opened the argument, the White Paper does not come down either on one side or the other, arguing that the "Scottish Government will service the share of the debt allocated to Scotland". This is as close as it gets to acknowledging that the outcome will be a matter of negotiation and so cannot be definitively assigned before the independence vote. It is clear that the rest of the UK would press for the population share.
Another consideration is the precise ownership of the debt. The White Paper says that "the Scottish Government does not envisage that a proportion of UK debt would be legally transferred to Scotland on independence". If this were to happen, then the tricky issue of Scotland issuing its own debt is avoided. Scotland would cover its share of the costs of servicing the agreed level of debt at whatever rates of UK interest rates. The markets might add some risk premium to these rates for this rather unconventional mechanism, but they are still likely to be less than the borrowing costs that a newly independent Scotland would face both because it would present as a new and unknown risk to the markets and because the market for Scottish debt would be much smaller than that of the UK as a whole, which increases the average costs of trades.
The key issue that the White Paper does not cover is why the rest of the UK should agree to this arrangement. Would it not be less problematic for the rest of the UK to force Scotland to issue its own debt? A debt-sharing mechanism might be least disruptive in the capital markets, but creditors would need some reassurance that the commitment of one country to help pay another's debts is credible. There would clearly have to be very stringent legal agreements between both governments on the allocation of servicing costs. There is also the question of paying off debt. If the UK decides to reduce the overall value of its debt, will the agreement with the Scottish Government require it to meet its share of costs of debt reduction?
Yours in a modicum of panic
Bravebelly
THE BOOK OF FIB
Followers! Here it is! At last!
My soft, strong and very, very long White Paper.
Soft on facts, very, very strong on assertion and, well, plain old brass neck. No ifs, no maybes, no perhaps.
A Panglossian vision to inspire my nation forward towards victory and my consequent monocracy.
Here you will find the salves to all the economic facts and inconvenient truths thrown in front of our rickety Charanbanc for Freedom by the Westminster Junta and their educated, cosmopolitan and economically reasoned Naysayers.
So where to start? Which Spear of Separation shall I select first to slay the Westmonster dragon?
How about the currency issue?
Well, we'll be keeping the £ and the Evil Baron Osborne will be told, by me, in no uncertain terms, to underwrite all the debt of Free Calbania so we don't end up like Greece. No need for a Plan B. The UK will do as it's tell't. Trust me. It'll be fine.
How about the EU?
Again, we'll be telling Barroso and Merkel exactly how things will work. I know they've said we'll have to apply to join the EU afresh and then have all our budgets approved by them but I'll not be tolerating that. Oh no. Once I've slain the English dragon then I'll dispose of the European hydra as well. Don't they know who I am?
How about our £ 120bn share of the UK national debt and your plans to fund it?
Er, next question.
How about pensions?
Oh yes. We'll be telling the UK that we'll be keeping all of that and be using their staff, resources and infrastructure until such time as we see fit to do otherwise.
And will pensions be capable of being sustained at the same level as they would in the UK?
Yes
..........without a 28% VAT rate, a 61% hike in business rates and a minimum cut of 8% pa in public spending?
Er, no. Definitely not. But let's move on shall we. I haven't got all day you know.
What about all the defence jobs and shipbuilding in particular?
Look. I'm not really into all that war stuff so we'll have an Airfix Air Force and a navy that could fill up your bath tub. A few thousand soldiers will have to be laid off mind, and their bases shut, but the soldiers will be alright. I hear that Aldi, Lidl and Poundland are all looking for security staff. The same lay offs for Clydeside and Rosyth I'm afraid as the UK dockyards take on the work our two yards would otherwise have received from the warmongering English MOD. But, followers, this is a very small price to pay. Believe me.
What happens when the oil runs out in 2040?
Wind, renewables, kelp, peat........sod it. I don't have kids and I'll be long dead. There will be statues of me all over Scotland by then so, frankly, who cares?
What about the £ 14bn budget deficit predicted in your own GERS Report and the £ 5.9bn shortfall in tax revenues the Institute of Fiscal Studies predict you will incur by coming out of the UK?
Well, what's £ 14bn pa between friends. I'll just borrow the money against your children's futures. As a diminished economic entity I know I'll be paying twice the current rate of the G7 UK for that money but let's leave that one for your bairns and grand bairns to sort out shall we?
...........and the £ 5.9bn?
Next question!
What about the fact that spending on higher education in Scotland will have to be cut or, if it is to be maintained at current UK levels, then the money would have to be raised from higher taxes and a minimum 8% cut in public spending?
You miss the point. It's all about faith. In me.
The costs of duplicating a tax system, welfare system, diplomatic corps, embassies, a central bank and border security?
Billions of £/Euros/Skintos well spent my friend.
Why don't you implement your Childcare policy right now? You have the power to do so?
Because Her Nippiness Princess Nicola can't stomach the prospect of those incremental working women paying the tax from their new wages into the UK Treasury.
And what about the the fact that an independent Scotland couldn't hope to underwrite either of it's two big banks and so the Scottish banks will therefore move to London and UK regulation?
Look. That's enough of this search for certainty, facts and an equal standard of living to the one we enjoy within the UK. Life's a gamble. We'll be happier even although we'll be poorer. Economic prosperity isn't everything you know. As a teeny, weeny debt laden nation we'll be free to swim with minnows like Iceland, Ireland and Greece. A wee voice at a bigger table. We, the introspective, presumptuous and divisive will finally have had our day. Just enjoy the moment!
However, my tartan heroes, let me leave you with the most important point in all of this.
I, yes, I will be in Power! Unassailable, unquestioned and untrammeled power. A bit like my wee mate in Pyongyang - but not quite as obvious - except to those who disagree with me.
Just think of the trips abroad; the embassies; the state occasions in Edinburgh and Stirling castles; the entourage; the statues. Oh, William Wallace. Eat your heart out. I, Bravebelly, will speak for Scotland and unlike you my mediaeval expedient, become it's unquestioned leader!
Now, my fellow Bravehearts, let's await the inevitable surge in the You Gov polls whilst I turn my soaring intellect, and no little sum of taxpayers money, to the small matter of my coronation ceremony next September.
Forward!
THE DIVORCE PAPERS
Dear UK,
I know it's been 300 years that you and I have been together and during that time we have shared both good times and bad. The industrial revolution, an enriching and, at times, embarrassing empire, a world class education system, shared values, seamless trading relations and, of course, the great sacrifices made by us both in the two world wars.
However, I, Bravebelly, have decided that your time is up.
UK..............I'm leaving you.
Who and what for you may ask?
Well, that's complicated.
I mean, it's not as if my new love is rich or offers me a better life. Quite the reverse actually. Times for my new love and I will be hard. Very hard. But we love each other and that's the main thing.
Now, I know this all might be a bit of a shock but I have made all the arrangements. I just need you to sign off on a few things and I'll be on my way.
Firstly, you will support me with your currency and banking guarantees so that the big, bad bond markets will lend me and my true love enough money for our new life together.
Second, you'll let me off my considerable share of the financial mess that we got into when my two Scottish banks went pop and you had to dip into your extensive wealth to bail me out. What's £ 120bn to you, a G7 economy?
Thirdly, think of the kids. I know the vast majority of them want to us to stay married but they just don't understand me and my needs. As you know, I've got my schools, universities, hospitals, shipyards, financial institutions, nationally registered and regulated plumbers, electricians, food companies and many, many more dependents that will need you to continue to spend your money with them and keep your current regulation and trading arrangements in place.
Now, that might be awkward because I can't begin to support these needy dependents on my own, as those busy bodies at the Institute of Fiscal Studies pointed out last week. Don't make them suffer because of my beautiful love affair and vaulting ambitions.
Please bear with me UK. I will be telling anyone that will listen that I want nothing more to do with you and that I can support myself without any help from you, my loyal and generous partner. But I can't. You know I can't and, sadly so do I.
So please, please, do me a big, big favour UK, and just ignore all that stuff and keep me and my reluctant dependents afloat. Let me share £s in your bank account, underwrite my debt, my economic deficit and the pensions I can't afford. Don't make me impose a VAT rate of 28%; don't force me to cut public spending by 8% per annum and don't give me no option but to increase income tax by 9%. Don't make me do these things. After all, my dearest, it's all in my very best interests and I'll only blame you for the ensuing hardship if you don't agree to my demands.
Now, trusted and loyal partner, I suppose you are wondering who it is that has captured my brave heart. Who is it that has broken our family and destroyed the harmony that has existed between us for so many years?
Well, my soon to be ex.
It's me.
I have fallen head over heels in love with myself. Totally, utterly and blindly.
Yours from Narcissus
Bravebelly
PS This pool looks very inviting. I think I'll ponder it awhile.
I know it's been 300 years that you and I have been together and during that time we have shared both good times and bad. The industrial revolution, an enriching and, at times, embarrassing empire, a world class education system, shared values, seamless trading relations and, of course, the great sacrifices made by us both in the two world wars.
However, I, Bravebelly, have decided that your time is up.
UK..............I'm leaving you.
Who and what for you may ask?
Well, that's complicated.
I mean, it's not as if my new love is rich or offers me a better life. Quite the reverse actually. Times for my new love and I will be hard. Very hard. But we love each other and that's the main thing.
Now, I know this all might be a bit of a shock but I have made all the arrangements. I just need you to sign off on a few things and I'll be on my way.
Firstly, you will support me with your currency and banking guarantees so that the big, bad bond markets will lend me and my true love enough money for our new life together.
Second, you'll let me off my considerable share of the financial mess that we got into when my two Scottish banks went pop and you had to dip into your extensive wealth to bail me out. What's £ 120bn to you, a G7 economy?
Thirdly, think of the kids. I know the vast majority of them want to us to stay married but they just don't understand me and my needs. As you know, I've got my schools, universities, hospitals, shipyards, financial institutions, nationally registered and regulated plumbers, electricians, food companies and many, many more dependents that will need you to continue to spend your money with them and keep your current regulation and trading arrangements in place.
Now, that might be awkward because I can't begin to support these needy dependents on my own, as those busy bodies at the Institute of Fiscal Studies pointed out last week. Don't make them suffer because of my beautiful love affair and vaulting ambitions.
Please bear with me UK. I will be telling anyone that will listen that I want nothing more to do with you and that I can support myself without any help from you, my loyal and generous partner. But I can't. You know I can't and, sadly so do I.
So please, please, do me a big, big favour UK, and just ignore all that stuff and keep me and my reluctant dependents afloat. Let me share £s in your bank account, underwrite my debt, my economic deficit and the pensions I can't afford. Don't make me impose a VAT rate of 28%; don't force me to cut public spending by 8% per annum and don't give me no option but to increase income tax by 9%. Don't make me do these things. After all, my dearest, it's all in my very best interests and I'll only blame you for the ensuing hardship if you don't agree to my demands.
Now, trusted and loyal partner, I suppose you are wondering who it is that has captured my brave heart. Who is it that has broken our family and destroyed the harmony that has existed between us for so many years?
Well, my soon to be ex.
It's me.
I have fallen head over heels in love with myself. Totally, utterly and blindly.
Yours from Narcissus
Bravebelly
PS This pool looks very inviting. I think I'll ponder it awhile.
Sunday, 24 November 2013
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
Only two sleeps to go comrades. Two sleeps until I splurge your hard earned taxes on launching my White Paper at expensive roadshows around Scotland. Two sleeps until I spend even more of your taxes on ensuring the SNP sends out the 670 page document to every household that wants it.
If I'd been even handed then I'd have ensured that last week's IFS Report was made available on the same basis but playing fair is for softies and, anyway, it's not my fault that Better Together haven't got two beans to rub together. Ha! If they could only see the £ 6m of donations and taxpayers money that I have ready to unleash when the campaigning begins. We'll see what happens to the polls then comrades.
Sure, there'll be cries of foul play. Moving taxpayers money from Scottish Water to my "strategic communications" fund; spending the budget on "Homecoming" in Scotland as opposed to on foreign tourists in the US and Canada; all the time blurring the division between our role as the Scottish Government and the fanatical Yes Campaign.
Such matters do not concern me. The end justify the means. Don't you agree?
As I sit here in Castle Stuart golf club, having my e mails read to me by a trusty underling and dictating replies to said scribe, one thing does bother me. As you know, politicians are generally mistrusted by people. They sit alongside bankers and estate agents as the most loathed professions. Self serving, sly and duplicitous are merely three adjectives that the average Jock would apply to this unholy trinity. Personally I get the estate agent bit but I'm at a loss with the others. Fred Goodwin was a good mate of mine and I still recall that note I sent him encouraging him to pay all that money for ABN Amro. Anyway, I digress.
The point of my sermon, dear plebs, is that the most trusted professions are doctors, academics and business people. I was genuinely rattled by the 2,000 Scottish academics standing up to voice their opposition to my proposed Tartan Nirvana by forming Academics Better Together. The cybernats launched a suitably poisonous volley of e mail abuse at said academics and my minister Senga McRubbish threatened one of their leaders but still they stand against me. Just because their budgets will be cut if I win absolute power. How churlish.
So what of the doctors and the business fraternity? So far so good. Silence on both fronts. I'm told the business people don't take me seriously and assume I will lose this vote. Excellent. That plays right into my hands as the underestimated underdog.
They have never pointed out that the Scottish financial services sector will move to London en masse if I win in 2014. They have never bleated about the 61% hike in business rates that Big John has got lined up in the budget; nor the necessary new taxes I will impose on the oil companies, on VAT and higher rate income. They have yet to bleat about the fact that cross border trade with England will become far more difficult; that breaking commonly held UK regulations and governance will exclude Scottish companies from working with UK companies who are legally bound to award work to UK and/or EU affiliated suppliers. Nothing about the fact that many of the UK's 55m consumers will regard Scotland as a departed, antagonistic and ungrateful divorcee and therefore take their trade to UK based brands and suppliers - just as will happen with shipbuilding. No more UK contracts awarded to yards in Free Calbania results in a massive boost for rUK shipyards that would otherwise have lost out on orders to a UK Clydeside or Rosyth. So it will be with business. Not that I care. Power is more important than this mere inconvenience.
"Let them pay tax!". As Her Nippiness Princess Nicola would say.
The silence of these business based lambs to the slaughter is playing into my hands beautifully comrades.
If I'd been even handed then I'd have ensured that last week's IFS Report was made available on the same basis but playing fair is for softies and, anyway, it's not my fault that Better Together haven't got two beans to rub together. Ha! If they could only see the £ 6m of donations and taxpayers money that I have ready to unleash when the campaigning begins. We'll see what happens to the polls then comrades.
Sure, there'll be cries of foul play. Moving taxpayers money from Scottish Water to my "strategic communications" fund; spending the budget on "Homecoming" in Scotland as opposed to on foreign tourists in the US and Canada; all the time blurring the division between our role as the Scottish Government and the fanatical Yes Campaign.
Such matters do not concern me. The end justify the means. Don't you agree?
As I sit here in Castle Stuart golf club, having my e mails read to me by a trusty underling and dictating replies to said scribe, one thing does bother me. As you know, politicians are generally mistrusted by people. They sit alongside bankers and estate agents as the most loathed professions. Self serving, sly and duplicitous are merely three adjectives that the average Jock would apply to this unholy trinity. Personally I get the estate agent bit but I'm at a loss with the others. Fred Goodwin was a good mate of mine and I still recall that note I sent him encouraging him to pay all that money for ABN Amro. Anyway, I digress.
The point of my sermon, dear plebs, is that the most trusted professions are doctors, academics and business people. I was genuinely rattled by the 2,000 Scottish academics standing up to voice their opposition to my proposed Tartan Nirvana by forming Academics Better Together. The cybernats launched a suitably poisonous volley of e mail abuse at said academics and my minister Senga McRubbish threatened one of their leaders but still they stand against me. Just because their budgets will be cut if I win absolute power. How churlish.
So what of the doctors and the business fraternity? So far so good. Silence on both fronts. I'm told the business people don't take me seriously and assume I will lose this vote. Excellent. That plays right into my hands as the underestimated underdog.
They have never pointed out that the Scottish financial services sector will move to London en masse if I win in 2014. They have never bleated about the 61% hike in business rates that Big John has got lined up in the budget; nor the necessary new taxes I will impose on the oil companies, on VAT and higher rate income. They have yet to bleat about the fact that cross border trade with England will become far more difficult; that breaking commonly held UK regulations and governance will exclude Scottish companies from working with UK companies who are legally bound to award work to UK and/or EU affiliated suppliers. Nothing about the fact that many of the UK's 55m consumers will regard Scotland as a departed, antagonistic and ungrateful divorcee and therefore take their trade to UK based brands and suppliers - just as will happen with shipbuilding. No more UK contracts awarded to yards in Free Calbania results in a massive boost for rUK shipyards that would otherwise have lost out on orders to a UK Clydeside or Rosyth. So it will be with business. Not that I care. Power is more important than this mere inconvenience.
"Let them pay tax!". As Her Nippiness Princess Nicola would say.
The silence of these business based lambs to the slaughter is playing into my hands beautifully comrades.
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