ET TU JIMMY

My decision to cross the Rubicon and liberate our great country from the oppression of the patrician English was taken with the full realization that this would be a difficult campaign. There would be setbacks along the way from determined and reasoned opponents north and south of Hadrian's Wall.

However, I didn't expect a couple of Skean Dhus straight between my broad shoulder blades quite this early in proceedings - and certainly not from within my own camp!

By Jove there will be blood!

Former SNP deputy leader Jim Fairlie has had the temerity to suggest that if an independent Scotland kept the £, it would not have the economic levers necessary to pursue its own course.

Not only that Gordon Wilson, former leader of this party, backed him up!

These two jokers ran the SNP before our oil production peaked and still couldn't get enough votes to win so much as a council election in the Outer Hebrides. Their SNP had all the momentum of congealed porridge before yours truly seized the reins of power and brought us to the brink of Freedom.

I'll have them crucified along the length of the M8 together with the rest of the dissenters.

Aye, and I'll have Dear Joan McAggro nail up a third conspirator while she's at it. ­Scottish Socialist leader Colin Fox – who sits on the advisory board of my own Yes Scotland campaign – has just said that if Scotland kept the £ with all the ­restrictions it entailed, then many voters would end up asking what was the point of change.

 That's the very same point being made by that wee traitor Teddy Bear Taylor and by the UK Govt! Is he mad? It might well be true but you'd never admit it. 

I'm surrounded by political pygmies.

Now let's be absolutely clear here. I wanted the € but now I want the £. Right.

Big John Swindly looked at the possibility of our own currency, the Skinto, and even his culinary skills couldn't make the prospect taste anything better than a Soor Ploom.

A currency based on a single, declining and volatile resource with an eroded private sector and a divorced UK economy would mean inherent instability and borrowing rates akin to Spain, Ireland and Slovakia. On top of that it would cost millions to set up and anyone with any care for their own financial well being would move their money out of Scotland and into £s - just as happened in the old Czech Republic and Slovakia back in 1993.

Best sweep this mess under the persian rug at Bute House and move onto some good old English baiting.

Veni! Vidi! Recedo!

Postscript
Looks like Dear Joan McAggro is going to have to make a return trip to Jewsons for some more wood and nails. The Chairman of the Yes Campaign, Dennis Canavan, has just put the boot into my plan to keep the £. He wants the ruddy Skinto as well!

This isn't how my campaign for Free Caledonia was supposed to be.

It's not about debate or factions or what the Greens, the Socialists or the independent candidates may want.

It's all about me. Me, me, me.

SELLING THE JERSEYS

Morning Minions

How is your great leader today I hear you ask. Well, I couldn't be happier if someone gave me the chance of a supermarket sweep in the Tunnocks Teacake factory.

The UK Govt have published another in depth report on the currency options for my Free Caledonia and no one has read it. That's just braw.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/191786/ScotlandAnalysis_acc-1.pdf

You know my motto - ignorance is bliss.

The pointy heads have set out 114 pages of detailed and, to be fair, very readable analysis on my options namely continued us of the £, entering the € or, finally, adopting the brand new Skinto.

Options! Who do they think they are kidding? Nobody gives the great Bravebelly options. What I want I get and I want the £.

OK, a while ago I wanted the € but I've changed my mind.  I want the £ and I want it now.

With that in mind I decided to grant an audience at my Bute House residence to the BBC's Teddy Bear Taylor. Like me, he's no stranger to Greggs the Bakers so we should get along just fine.

Me:"Welcome to Bute House Brian. How do you like it?"

 Teddy Bear: " It's very nice First Minister"

Me:"It is indeed Brian. Obviously I'll have to extend the place once I become President of Scotland and am in here for good. The kitchen's a wee bit on the small side for example. Would you like to see it?"

Teddy Bear: "Er, perhaps another time. I was wondering if we could start the interview."

Me:" Of course Brian."

Teddy Bear: "How come you have changed your mind from the € to the £?"

Me."Well the sight of these poor Cypriots lining up outside their banks didn't do a lot for the credibility of that plan and besides,  I was never too keen on having to get approval for all my public spending from the torn faced Angela Merkel. I simply changed my mind. And so Brian, my cuddly wee pal, I now want the £ and if the rest of the UK knows what's good for them they'll give it to me on the terms dictated by my good self."

Teddy Bear: "Do you honestly believe that 10% of the UK economy can dictate terms to the 90%?"

Me: "Yup".

Teddy Bear: "But in reality the UK Govt would have complete control of the £. You will have none. It would insist on strict spending controls and would almost certainly refuse to be a lender of last resort should another Fred the Shred emerge from the woodwork or there is a dip in oil prices and/or production meaning you can't meet your public spending commitments."

Me:"You're blethering Brian. Have another teacake."

Teddy Bear: "Instead of being a fully insured and participating partner in the £, you are proposing that the Scottish people give up ownership of their own currency for exactly the same subservient relationship that they would have within the €.  That’s not exactly independence is it?

Me: "Now look here son. I invited you round here for a nice wee chat and a few teacakes. Not a lesson in reason."

Teddy Bear: "But the logic of following the £ means that you are weakening Scotland's position of power. In reality Scotland becomes totally at the mercy of the Bank of England. It makes no sense at all. It's the equivalent of Texas voting to leave the US $ and become like Panama. What on earth are you thinking about?"

Me (lost in thought at this underlings inane babblings): "General Noriega actually........I quite liked him".

THE THEORY OF COULD

All is most definitely for the best and an independent Scotland will indeed be the best of all possible worlds.  A veritable El Dorado where we could limit our share of the UK national debt, could have money to burn for public sector spending and could even get a rebate on the last 30 years of oil and gas taxation.

That is the conclusion of Big John Swindly's latest culinary masterpiece.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-22134809

The big man has really excelled himself. It's deliciously ambitious.

So how does he do it? How does he cook up these sublime economic delights?

Well, he simply selects certain years where the volatile oil revenues peaked and the UK public sector  accounts were coincidentally particularly bleak. In this case 2007 - 2008 and 20011 -2012. He then changes the basis on which our share of the UK national debt is attributed and, as the icing on the cake, invents a scenario where we get a rebate from Westminster for the last 30 years of UK tax revenues.

Well, why not? It's all speculation anyway isn't it? In the absence of facts our job is to look at things as optimistically as possible. It's all about hope over reason my friends. That is how nations are born.

So, what next from this economic titan, this Scottish Pangloss? Well, brethren, on the basis of Big John's "Theory of Could" analysis anything might be possible. Anything at all. Take your pick from these equally valid conclusions from "The Theory of Could".


Sport
Looking only at our performance in the 1974 and 1978 World Cups one concludes that Scotland could win the World Cup in 2018.

Industry
Analysing the shipping industry in the years 1945 -1955 we see no reason why a world beating ship building industry could not be thriving on the Clyde.

Transport
If you look at public sector transport projections in 2005 then Edinburgh could have a comprehensive tram system built and running, on budget and on time, by 2011.

Oil
Ignoring the fact that UK oil peaked in 1999 and is in terminal decline then Scotland could indeed be a new El Dorado.

Great fun isn't it?

WHIFF WHAFF

Here's a wee confession.

As you know, I am the finest politician of my generation. Yes, I have to admit that that halls of Westminster are hardly bursting with Gladstones, Bevans and Lloyd Georges so the competition is thin on the ground, but you have to admit that I am a potent mix of political gold and carefully crafted teflon.

There is only really one man I fear. Not Bullingdon. He's too soft. Not Miliband. Wouldn't send the boy to Tesco's for a message. Cable? On his way down with a sinking ship. Farage? Now, he's got potential. No, the one I fear is big and not so daft Boris.

Neo Paxo Eddie Mair did his best to pop the Boris Balloon last week and by God, if that upstart had gone for me in the same way he'd have been on the wrong end of a full blown Bravebelly Wobble I can tell you. But Johnson kept his cool and accepted the kicking, knowing that he can come back and fight another day.

Hence his latest wheeze. A game of ping pong with the pert Pippa Middleton:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2013/apr/03/pippa-middleton-boris-johnson-ping-pong

Very clever. Very populist. Maybe I should do something similar for my Scottish proles? How about Princess Nicola and John Leslie go curling? Perhaps not. 18 holes with Sean Connery and Elaine C Smith? Yikes! Synchronised skipping featuring Alan Cumming and Gary Tank Commander? The possibilities are endless.

Over to my fellow Greggs afficionado Hislop in Culture for the final word on that one methinks.

SNP BANNED LIST Continued

See what I mean about the press? See what happens when my draconian press reforms are ignored by the big boys in London?

No sooner that the Royal Charter is announced than the Tory led Unionist mouthpiece that is BBC Scotland starts to put the knife in.

It's not Jackie Glam this time but the permanently scunnered Douglas Fraser. "The Scunner" has taken it upon himself to claim that my people of Scotland require more information, more detail and more facts before casting their vote for Freedom or continued slavery. No they don't! That's the very last thing they bloody well need!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-scotland-business-21980770

Information, facts and detail provoke thought. Thought provokes doubt, questions and uncertainty. Uncertainty and questions create debate, compromise and a more considered view. These are as poisoned arrows to the heart of The Cause my friends.

He's punting this book, which is henceforth banned from schools, universities, shops and my  economy changing Amazon warehouse in Dunfermline.

It's called "Scotland's Future: the Economics of Constitutional Change".

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1845861620/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Now, at 330 pages and no pictures I'm pretty confident that very few of my potential patriots will read this rubbish but I'm not taking the risk, especially since those black hearted traitors at The Scotsman  decided to serialise it in their Tory rag last week. It talks of "volatility", uncertainty and the "unknown". They've even dug up my old nemesis Professor John Kay to stick the boot in on my option of keeping the £.

So, I've ordered a copy and after censoring the obvious blasphemy, I will pass on a correct version through these pages in the weeks ahead.

In the meantime I suggest you all get back to reading the Scottish Sun and watching Loose Women.

LETTER FROM AMERICA

Howday My Minutemen of the Glens

Well here I am in the US of A on a mission to stir up the nostalgia drunk, misty eyed Scottish diaspora, not to mention build on my newly established status as a world statesman. I'm encouraging our exiled clansmen to come and visit Arbroath Cathedral, site of the ever so relevant Declaration of Arbroath in 1328.

Frankly it's like taking candy off a baby with this lot. I wish I had more of them back home in our enslaved homeland. Talk about living in the past. These American Scots think we still run around in kilts hunting deer and English Redcoats. They don't read books; Hollywood is their history syllabus and as for economics? They couldn'ae spell it.

Crivens, if I had this mob to work with the NO voters would be packing up their goods and chattels already. The great exodus would already have begun. Just think of it, the Irish exported generations of dodgy builders and American policemen. When I win the war in 2014 I'll be exporting generations of lawyers, creative types, thinkers, accountants, business people and academics. Trouble makers the lot of them. Whilst they leave for the metaphorical Premiership I'll be left with the equivalent of the SPL and SFL. The confused, the dependent and the gullible.  Just my kinda folk.

Anyway, on the subject of troublemakers, my Scottish taxpayer funded business class flight to Boston  was somewhat tarnished by an internal memo from my Head of Wasteland Security, Dear Joan McAggro.

Now, you all know the plan for 2014. A big Homecoming event for the aforementioned daft Americans and Canadians who still think they're Scottish. Next, and I joke you not, a re enactment of the Battle of Bannockburn. And finally, to cap it all, the Nobody Cares Games in my heartland of Glasgow. If that doesn't have every decent thinking Scot baying for English blood and ready to tick that YES box on 18th September then I don't know what will. All this, two weeks before that terrible, collaborative and Brit uniting Ryder Cup at Gleneagles. Scots and English playing together for a common European cause. That could have undone all my plans but, thanks to my superior cunning by opting for 18th September, it will not. I outsmarted the preoccupied Sheriff of Bullingdon on that one did I not.

Dear Joan has her uses.  She is rabid and she is loyal and, after all, every great world leader in history has needed an attack dog. They do the dirty work and you pretend not to notice. If they get out of hand you cut them out, hard, quick and in full view of the public.

Hitler had Himmler, Stalin had Beria and Bush had the delightful duo of Cheney and Rumsfeld. And so, here I am, stuck in he middle with Dear Joan.

The latest polls still have 66% of Scots in favour of the Union with only 25% of women in favour of Freedom. Dear Joan's solution: round up 5,000 prospective NO voters and force them to play the part of the English in a REAL re enactment of the Battle of Bannockburn. The poor lassie has even written the script and has proposed televising it live on Scotsport. She's got me down to play Robert the Bruce. Evidently I kick things off by charging Alistair Darling on horseback and splitting his head open from head to sternum with a battleaxe. She then emerges from over the hill with 7,000 wannabe Mel Gibsons and massacres the remaining Unionists. Job done.

It simply won't do. It won't get me votes.

I'll have to deal with Dear Joan one day. Publicly. Finally.

But that can wait.