WHITE NOISE

I was holding court in Bute House, showing two diplomatic heavyweights from Ireland and Iceland my plans for a Chequers style weekend retreat in Stirling Castle when in barged Big John Swindly.

"Boss" he splurged

"This had better be good John." I replied, with a well practised tone of condescending annoyance.
"My friends here are from the Arc of Insolvency and I'm just showing them my plans for a second home once I'm elected President for Life."

"Boss. There's a problem. A huge stooshie that threatens to completely undermine our White Paper next month." He continued, sweating like Comrade Nicola in a maths test.

"Nonsense John. I've already told the scribes to take out any controversial economic detail and concentrate on nationalist bluster, fictional promises and a few fibs. We'll be fine."

But on he went: "But Glasgow University’s Centre for Public Policy and Regions and the Institute of Fiscal Studies have published reports saying that an independent Scotland would be at least £ 1bn - £2bn per annum worse off than if we were still part of the UK.  They say we'd be losing £ 7bn pa from the Barnett Formula and only gaining £ 5bn - £ 6bn pa from the projected North Sea Oil revenues. No Scot in their right mind would vote for that! It would be like turkeys voting for Christmas."

I raised my eyes to the heavens, at the same time noting the elaborate gilded cornicing in my beloved Bute House. Maybe the addition of some suitably chubby, frog faced cherubs might enhance the ceiling, I thought to myself, before replying to this tedious drivel:

"We already knew that John. We've always known that the oil is depleting and can't substitute the Barnett Formula tax revenues from the UK beyond 2015. We just can't tell anyone. That's why I've got wee Comrade Nicola operating Project Fib. Make a few headline promises on benefit increases and hope the proletariat don't ask too many questions."

"But Boss," he continued " it's all very well to assume that our economically myopic freedom fighters will swallow anything we say, but 75% of Scots are unconvinced. They want to hear the economic facts."

"Well they can't and they won't." I snapped. "We can't win over the Scottish people with the truth. We can't ask them to swap the stable tax revenues of the balanced UK economy for a smaller economy based on a single, declining and highly volatile resource. We can't tell them that, as the oil continues to decline, we'll have to implement more and more increases in council tax, income tax and property tax. Nor can we tell them about our £ 14bn annual deficit and the doubling of sovereign debt costs or about the inevitable cuts in public services and welfare."

"None of that actually matters John. All that matters is that we will be in power."

"Now be a good lad and close the door on the way out. I've still to show the boys my plans for a statue of myself alongside Robert the Bruce at Bannockburn."