A BIT RICH

Herding cats. That's what it's like working with this Yes Campaign mob. First it was Fox, Canavan et al contradicting me on my £ sterling currency policy by calling for me to introduce a separate currency for my independent Scotland - or the "Barnes Wallis Skinto" as it's termed in these parts.

Now we've got Monaco based, income tax exile Jim McBlowhard suggesting that I could abolish capital gains tax and set corporation tax at 3% below the UK rate.

Now that's a bit rich coming from him. He hasn't paid any UK income tax in years and it's no coincidence that his company would benefit greatly from these two tax cuts. But how would I pay for all that and how would I sell it to my core left wing supporters? And anyway, what's the point when corporate giants like Amazon, Starbucks and Google dodge local corporation tax almost completely? Moreover, if I adopt the £ and therefore have to get my annual budgets approved by London, then my economists tell me that it would be "inconceivable" that Westminster would let me away with those tax policies. I mean, it's all very well pontificating on Scottish Government policy from the luxury of Monaco but I'm the poor sod who'd have to make the thing work, and adopting what is effectively a Tory based business policy isn't going to cut the mustard with my nationalist minions. No Jim. Stick to watching the cars go round and round the streets of your tax haven and leave the business of government to the big lads.

Now, what's all this about emigration post a Yes vote? Given that eventuality, Sir Chris Hoy has threatened to hop on his racing bike and peddle hard for Manchester. So be it. He was always too much of a team player for me. Next up, I see the Tory, Unionist propagandists at the BBC are peddling a story about 300,000 young Irish people emigrating from the economically diminished Republic of Ireland. Their clear intention is to draw an analogy with the prospect of a similarly diminished economy in my New Mediaeval Scotland, especially once the oil dries up in 2050.

Now all that brain drain stuff may be true but the question you have to ask yourself is whether or not we actually need bright, young and ambitious people who want to succeed on a global stage. Let them go and work for what would be an even more London centric UK. Let them go to the most integrated and cosmopolitan cities and leave us to our divorced cottage industries and dreams of converting heather into biomass.

Shortbread or finance? I know what I prefer.

TERMINUS

Well that was a bloody disaster.

A morning spent in a bus factory in Falkirk with Princess Nicola by my side and a bunch of cynical workers firing darts at my glossy new brochure entitled "The Darien Scheme 2014."

I mean, it was supposed to be a case of turning up and getting a few pictures taken. No one told me about the questions. I hate questions.

"How can an independent Scotland hope to avoid taking its £ 150 bn share of UK National Debt?"

"What would be an independent Scotland's plan if the Bank of England refused to underwrite that debt?"

"What happens when the oil runs out in 2050?"

"What will you do if RBS and HBOS leave for London?"

"Why on earth would you give up Scotland's control of the £ and hand it over to a unilateral Bank of England?".

For the sake of Boaby Bruce. These are supposed to be workies. They shouldn't be able to ask me questions like this!

Nicola the Naive obviously had another flakey. She started wittering on about spending even more millions on welfare because too many Scots live in poverty due to the policies of the hated English. Poverty! I'll show her poverty. I'm shipping her off to my mate in Malawi to see what real poverty is all about. Or Ireland, either will do.

But no, the questions kept coming.

"How can you hope to set up an Oil Fund when you'd be running an annual deficit?"

"Why won't you tell us what the EU have said about an independent Scotland becoming a member of the Eurozone?"

"How many pies do you eat every week?"

Now I could answer that one. Cheeky git.

"How can political divorce possibly help trade between Scotland and the rest of the UK, especially when you admit that we are utterly dependent on that cross border trade for our economic health?"

"Would Scotland's economy grow faster or slower if it was an independent country? If so then how?"

"In an independent Scotland what would be the main drivers of economic growth over the next 50 - 100 years?"

"How would an independent Scotland meet it's public sector spending needs as North Sea oil declines over the next 20 - 30 years?"

"Can you demonstrate if and how renewable energy could replace declining oil and gas reserves?"

"Why are you wobbling?"

I bloody well was wobbling. Proper furious.

"How can you claim to be able to undercut rUK and German on corporation tax when you won't own your own currency and will therefore need to get budget approval from either Westminster or Brussels?"

Right, that was enough. Bloody workers. Call my chauffeur.

FAIRY STORIES

Gordon McPaxo:"Good evening and welcome to Newsnight Scotland.

Tonight I'm joined by Nicola the Naive who is going to tell us why everything bad that has happened to Scotland over the last 30 years is the fault of the Westminster government.

So, Ms Naive, can you tell us how the Westminster system of government "is hindering Scotland's potential"."

Nicola the Naive: " Well Gordon, the UK government has decided to engage in a boom in credit and debt expansion and now pursues a policy of austerity and debt reduction rather than focusing on growing the economy. It has also decided to concentrate economic activity in London as opposed to Scotland. Finally, the UK government has failed to establish an oil fund for future generations, similar to the Norwegian fund now worth an estimated £450bn. "

McPaxo:" OK, Ms Naive. So the credit crisis was the fault of the UK Government?"

Naive:"Yes, absolutely."

McPaxo:"So the credit crisis wasn't a global phenomenon triggered by the US, UK and European banks creating a sub prime property bubble?"

Naive:"No, I don't think so."

McPaxo:"OK. That's rather a unique view Ms Naive. Moving on, did not your leader, the Great Bravebelly, actually send a letter to Fred Goodwin encouraging him to buy ABN Amro, the over priced,  debt laden bank that helped bankrupt the Royal Bank of Scotland and bring the global credit crisis to the UK?"

Naive:"Did he?"

McPaxo:"Yes, he did, the memo is dated May 2007."

Naive:"Oh."

McPaxo:"And are you saying that you agree with Ed Balloon and that the UK government should be borrowing many more billions to spend on the public sector instead of paying down the debts caused by the British people having to bail out RBS and HBOS to the tune of £ 61 billion?"

Naive:"Erm. Yes, I think so. It's for the kiddies. Just think of the kiddies." 

McPaxo:"That would be the single parent families already claiming benefits?"

Naive:"Oh yes. It would. They need even more benefits and I'm just the person to give it to them."

McPaxo:"And if you were going to borrow that money then where would you get it from?"

Naive:"Erm. I don't know."

McPaxo (peering over glasses) :"Yehhs. Very interesting Ms Naive. And so to London. You seem to be implying that it is a matter of governmental choice as to where the UK's economic centre should be located. What would you propose, phoning up Citibank, HSBC, Standard Chartered at al and ordering them to set up their operations in Shettleston instead of the City of London?

Naive:"I suppose so."

McPaxo:"What do you think they'd say to that?"

Naive:"Er..."

McPaxo:"It would be short conversation Ms Naive. Now, onto the oil. Why did your party not propose setting up a UK Oil Fund before it peaked in 1999 and declining production levels made it an impractical pipe dream? Isn't it because you wanted all of the remaining oil for yourselves and to hell with the rest of the UK citizenry?"

Naive:"Er...yes. That's right actually." 

McPaxo:"Thank you Ms Naive. That has been very insightful. Now, I understand that you've got an urgent meeting with the fairies at the bottom of your garden so let's leave it there. Goodnight."

TAXI FOR HESTER

The morning had started so well. Thumbing through my Racing Post, I'd spotted a young filly called Quean Fifi in the 2.30 at Musselburgh and fair fancied a punt. Blind Jock duly obliged and arranged for a few quid each way. That would give me something to look forward to during this afternoon's tedious Question Time in the Panda House.

Labour leader Wee Jimmy Krankie having a pop on my cancer care record and the Lib Dems' Willie Rennie still banging on about me refusing to condemn my proud mob of Orcs for chasing the Evil Farage back to England.

Just wait until I get voted in as President. I'll not need to bother even turning up to meet these swivel eyed loons. I will be innundated with invitations from fellow world statesmen to discuss the big issues. Important people in my Arc of Insolvency such as the Presidents of Ireland and Iceland.

And one of the first issues I'll want to discuss with them is how to run a country without a bank. I say this because Big John Swindly tells me that Lloyds and RBS will be for the off if it looks like I'm going to win my battle for Freedom.

Apparently Scottish banking assets are equivalent to 1,250% of Scottish GDP and RBS alone, according to its latest published balance sheet, has loans and investments of £1.3 trillion. That's equivalent to more than eight times Scottish GDP.

This means that my New Mediaeval Scotland couldn't afford to bail out RBS and therefore their borrowing costs would rise to the point where they'd be on the first train to King's Cross and a new London HQ.

Lloyds are already based in London so they'll be first to go, but it will stick in my craw to see RBS leave Scotland after all the encouragement I gave to The Shred in his takeover of ABN Amro.

It's really not that complex. Big John tells me that when investors and companies lend to a bank and invest in them, they look at what would happen to that bank if it all went 'Fred Goodwin' again and got into another serious financial mess.

Evidently they look at whether the bank's national government could bail the bank out in a crisis - thus reducing losses for the bank's creditors.

Clearly guaranteeing £ 1.3 trillion is way out of my league so the market would dictate that RBS would have to pack its bags and move to London where the UK government would be able to provide that bail out guarantee.

Chances are that many of the the Scottish based fund managers and insurance companies would follow suit and the only real winner would therefore be London's financial sector.

Sore one isn't it? The end of the great Scottish banking industry and no one with the faintest idea what we do when that happens.

RACIST? SNP?

That's more like it!

Enough of the rational and diplomatic debate. Let's have more English baiting. Let's silence all opposition with insults, abuse and the threat of violence.

Oh how my braveheart swelled with pride when I saw my storm troopers from Radical Independence forcing the evil, English invader Farage to retreat into an Edinburgh hostelry. Who says the spirit of Bannockburn is dead! My brown shirted Scottish youth sent him home to think again.

The press dared to ask me to condemn the action of my Wee Willie Wallaces. Never!!

That's my kind of bully boy politics. That's just what the mob want to see.

Now, anyone that has seen the Evil Farage on You Tube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRjvFK9fYLQ) will realise that he is, in fact, a rather amusing, if misguided politician. He has a fundamental problem with the fact that an unelected EU elite is quietly imposing their laws on European nation states who's elected governments can do nothing to stop it.

He lampoons his opponents whilst I sneer at them. He mocks them as I intimidate and threaten them.

Of course, his stance on immigration from Romania and Bulgaria makes it easy for me and my cherished berserker cybernats to label him a racist whilst we make it absolutely clear that we are completely anti racist, except, of course,  towards democratically elected English people who may wish enter into a debate and dare to put up candidates in my Aberdonian constituencies.

They, my friends, must be silenced, abused and chased from our lands.

That, my friends, is a foretaste of freedom in my New Mediaeval Scotland.

BE A WEE FREE SCOTLANDER

Think Small ! 

That"s what I want. And, my loyal followers, it is your job to do what I want.

It was a source of no little pain to have to pay tribute to my great enemy Sir Alex Ferguson this week but, through gritted teeth, I managed to do it. Of course, I could not bring myself to recognise his monumental achievements at that club in England. I mean, lets face it. What Ferguson did at that club in England was as nothing in comparison to what he achieved at Aberdeen. It was his achievements in the Granite City that made him great.

Give the man credit for winning two Champions League trophies and thirteen English Premierships? Nae chance! Talented Scots working in England and achieving success on the world class, UK stage is absolute anathema to me. It is like poison through my veins dear friends. These ambitious, UK minded Scots undermine my whole argument for independence because they are shining examples of how Scots can thrive as part of the UK. They bring success, jobs, pride and inspiration to Scotland and the whole of the UK.  No! No! No!

That's why I've made sure that all of these traitor Scots don't get to vote in 2014. I want none of their inclusive, ambitious and cosmopolitan views troubling the tiny minds of my myopic freedom fighters.

Now, I wonder what odds they'll give me on Aberdeen winning the Champions League on 2015? 

Good ones I"ll bet.

IMAGINE

Like all great statesmen of the world one needs some precious time to unburden oneself from the daily travails of leading a nation.

To that end I have an unbreakable morning routine here at Bute House.

At 7.30am precisely one of my underlings brings me a bowl of piping hot porridge and copy of The Racing Post. I eat my porridge and then retire to the presidential cludgie to read up on the gee gees and rid myself of yesterday's concerns, as it were.

My underlings know that during that 20 minutes I am under no circumstances to be disturbed.

So, you can imagine my fury when 5 minutes into my cherished routine there is a sharp knock on the toilet door.

"Oh, Mr President," the underling whined "I'm so very, very sorry to disturb you, but I have Professor Alex Kemp on the phone. He's insisting that he talks to you immediately."

Wobbling with rage I fired back: "Tell him I can only deal with one shit at a time."

"Yes Sir" replies the trembling voice on the other side of the door.

"No, wait. What the bloody hell does he want?"

"He wants to talk to you about Fergus Ewing's speech at the Offshore Technology Conference in Houston. Ewing has claimed that North Sea oil will never, ever run out."

"What!!" I explode, for the third time in the space of 5 minutes.

"Yes, Scotland's pre eminent oil experts are furious. They say that you know full well that oil production will fall to around 125,000 barrels per day in 2050, from an output of 155 million barrels per day last year. They say that you and Ewing are completely aware that shortly after 2050 extracting North Sea Oil may not be worth the production cost. By the time our grandchildren are reaching adulthood North Sea oil will  have gone the same way as coal mining did in the 1980's."

Now I know this. You don't.

But I do and and I certainly don't need a balloon like Ewing raising the topic at a time when Big John Swindly is still smarting from being caught fiddling £ 1.8bn of pension liabilities and the polls suggest that the proles remain wholly unconvinced of our arguments for a New Mediaeval Scotland.

"Sir" the underling continued.

"What?!"

"It gets worse. Princess Nicola saw the latest IPSOS poll putting support for the Yes campaign at only 31% and she's gone completely do lally. She's wandering around barefoot in the grounds of Holyrood with daises in her hair muttering something about a natural majority of Scots being in favour of independence."

"Oh Christ!" I exclaim, "There's no press about are there? Not after the last time."

"No Sir"

I did indeed find Princess Nicola as my man servant had described. It was a sad sight indeed.

She wandered up to me and, as if lost in a trance, said: " Oh Great Prince Bravebelly, I don't believe the polls. I am convinced, from talking to people across the country, that there is a natural majority in Scotland for independence. What do I mean by that? I don't really know what I mean by that. I suppose I mean that people will vote Yes if we can all just imagine. Imagine that independence opens the door to a wealthier and fairer country."

I dripped words of comfort into her troubled ear. "But it doesn't love, I've told you that before. It's about emotion and resentment and, well, frankly, all about me. It not about economics. That bit doesn't work as well as what we've got within the UK."

She continued: " But Boss, I may be a dreamer but I'm not the only one. I believe that Scotland should be governed here at home, from our own Parliament, and not from Westminster; that we should hold the powers in our own hands to shape a nation that lives up to our ambitions of fairness and prosperity; that we should have no one else to blame if we fail to do so; and that we should have a new relationship of equals with our friends across these islands. Imagine all the people, living life in peace. Why don't they join us? "

Yoko has clearly gone loco and I'm getting slightly bored with this toon loon. It was time for a wee dose of reality. Time for her to take off the rose tinted spectacles: 

"Because they want to keep their jobs and their pensions to be honest. Now pull yourself together woman. We need a new strategy and we need it fast"

LAYING THE GHOST

At last some good news.

My copy of "Scotland's Future: The Economics of Constitutional Change" was delivered to Bute House today and I managed to have a wee shufty in between rants down the phone to the timber laden Dear Joan.

Crivens. I was bored stiff after three pages of this stodge. I haven't been so bored since Donald Dewar's inauguration speech as Scotland's first, First Minister.........not that I'm bitter about Donald you understand.

Bitter about that lucky, Labour opportunist getting all the glory (and a statue) for bringing devolution to Scotland and my consequent resignation as party leader the following year. No, I'm not bitter at all. [Wobble]

So why am I so cheery? Well, because, whilst the content of "Scotland's Future" is well researched, even handed and highly intellectually credible, most Scots won't get past the first few pages. Most 16 and 17 year olds won't get past the front cover! Reading it is like eating hay - something the Unionist scaremongers claim we'll all be doing when the oil runs out.

Our modern desire for soundbites and spoon fed gobbets of easily understood information means that the problems, complexities and uncertainties surrounding my dream of a Free Caledonia will never trouble the synapses of 99% of Scots. The currency problems, the dire economic consequences, the fiscal dilemmas.

Take the chapter written by my old nemesis Professor John Kay entitled "Currency and Monetary Policy Options for an Independent Scotland".

* He points out that adopting the £ or the Euro would necessarily entail agreement of terms from the far more powerful partners to whom we would be wholly subservient, powerless and dependent.

* He correctly points out that financial markets, businesses and individuals would immediately destabilise my Skinto or any other currency change that presented risk or opportunity to them. In short, I'd be like Norman Lamont on Black Wednesday.

* He recalls the ugly memory of the Irish pound which some will remember traded at a discount to the UK £ making everything you bought in Ireland more expensive and the Irish pound unusable in the rest of the UK.

* He points out that Free Caledonia's £ 4bn share of the UK's foreign exchange reserves would be woefully inadequate to maintain a currency peg to the £ leaving us with a weakened currency at the mercy of the markets.

* He points out the absurdity of joining the Euro at a time when many, including the Germans, wish they could get out.

* He successfully argues that the best option for Scotland on currency would be the status quo.

All completely valid points but, as he himself admits, this referendum is not about the best economic outcome for Scotland. It's about politics and about my personal quest to settle matters with Donald Dewar's legacy by freeing my nation from English thrall. Raw and flawed emotion over sound common sense.

The fact that no one in Scotland is going to read this book is pure dead brilliant!