FAIRY STORIES

Gordon McPaxo:"Good evening and welcome to Newsnight Scotland.

Tonight I'm joined by Nicola the Naive who is going to tell us why everything bad that has happened to Scotland over the last 30 years is the fault of the Westminster government.

So, Ms Naive, can you tell us how the Westminster system of government "is hindering Scotland's potential"."

Nicola the Naive: " Well Gordon, the UK government has decided to engage in a boom in credit and debt expansion and now pursues a policy of austerity and debt reduction rather than focusing on growing the economy. It has also decided to concentrate economic activity in London as opposed to Scotland. Finally, the UK government has failed to establish an oil fund for future generations, similar to the Norwegian fund now worth an estimated £450bn. "

McPaxo:" OK, Ms Naive. So the credit crisis was the fault of the UK Government?"

Naive:"Yes, absolutely."

McPaxo:"So the credit crisis wasn't a global phenomenon triggered by the US, UK and European banks creating a sub prime property bubble?"

Naive:"No, I don't think so."

McPaxo:"OK. That's rather a unique view Ms Naive. Moving on, did not your leader, the Great Bravebelly, actually send a letter to Fred Goodwin encouraging him to buy ABN Amro, the over priced,  debt laden bank that helped bankrupt the Royal Bank of Scotland and bring the global credit crisis to the UK?"

Naive:"Did he?"

McPaxo:"Yes, he did, the memo is dated May 2007."

Naive:"Oh."

McPaxo:"And are you saying that you agree with Ed Balloon and that the UK government should be borrowing many more billions to spend on the public sector instead of paying down the debts caused by the British people having to bail out RBS and HBOS to the tune of £ 61 billion?"

Naive:"Erm. Yes, I think so. It's for the kiddies. Just think of the kiddies." 

McPaxo:"That would be the single parent families already claiming benefits?"

Naive:"Oh yes. It would. They need even more benefits and I'm just the person to give it to them."

McPaxo:"And if you were going to borrow that money then where would you get it from?"

Naive:"Erm. I don't know."

McPaxo (peering over glasses) :"Yehhs. Very interesting Ms Naive. And so to London. You seem to be implying that it is a matter of governmental choice as to where the UK's economic centre should be located. What would you propose, phoning up Citibank, HSBC, Standard Chartered at al and ordering them to set up their operations in Shettleston instead of the City of London?

Naive:"I suppose so."

McPaxo:"What do you think they'd say to that?"

Naive:"Er..."

McPaxo:"It would be short conversation Ms Naive. Now, onto the oil. Why did your party not propose setting up a UK Oil Fund before it peaked in 1999 and declining production levels made it an impractical pipe dream? Isn't it because you wanted all of the remaining oil for yourselves and to hell with the rest of the UK citizenry?"

Naive:"Er...yes. That's right actually." 

McPaxo:"Thank you Ms Naive. That has been very insightful. Now, I understand that you've got an urgent meeting with the fairies at the bottom of your garden so let's leave it there. Goodnight."