Morning All
Our SNP Minister for Sport Senga McRubbish has just handed me the exciting 2015 sporting fixture list for our New Mediaeval Scotland, all of which will be screened on Uncle Rupert Murdoch's new soaraway Scottish Broadcasting Channels:
July: The Open to Choppers Golf Championship
Venue: Royal Whitfield, Dundee (Handicap limit 18)
This replaces the British Open Golf Championship which will now be played over the links courses of England, Wales and Ireland. And besides, St Andrews was sold to the Chinese at the end of 2014 to pay for the admin costs associated with freeing our nation from English thrall.
August: The New Mediaeval SPL Opening Day
With the demise of Rangers FC and Heart of Lithuania FC the league will welcome two of Ayrshire's finest footballing names, Auchinleck Trouble and Cumknock Ultimate Fighters. They have enjoyed a mutual hatred going back for decades and by televising the thuggery and vitriol of this famous fixture the SBC executives feel that this is a perfect replacement for the Old Firm Derby. Commentary by Archie McTurtleheid
September: The Scottish Grand Prix
Venue: Central Park, Cowdenbeath
This replaces our involvement in the British F1 Grand Prix at Silverstone and will involve 10 laps of stock car racing at the famous Central Park. Commentary by Jackie Stewart.
October: The Six Free Nations Rugby
Scotland, Slovakia, Romania, Greece, Portugal and Albania battle it out to win the chance to play Georgia for a place in the 2015 Rugby World Cup. With Andy Robinson having been deported by Joan McAggro, Scotland will be under the watchful, attack minded eye of new coach Gregor Deadend
November: The Moray and District Curling Championships
Venue: A frozen pond near Elgin
Get your tickets early for this one. A crowd of tens is expected to pack this one out.
December: Live Seal Clubbing from Scottish Antarctica
An exciting new addition to the SBC schedule and available in magnificent 3D to SBC Premium Subscribers ( an extra 125 Skintos per month)
January: Nothing happening
February: Nothing at all happening
March: The East Lothian Lobster Pot Championships
As riveting as sport can get. Commentary by Dougie Donnelly.
April: The New Mediaeval Scotland Archery Championships
Please note that this event is mandatory for all Scots aged between 16 and 45 and is a vital precaution against an invasion from our hated southern neighbour. NB Bring your own bow and arrows.
May: The All Scotland Skinty Finals
Benefits claimants from all parts of Scotland converge in a seedy adult club in Pollockshields to see who has successfully claimed the most benefits over the past year. Violence and injustice guaranteed. All at your expense. Commentary team led by Tommy Sheraton (parole dependent).
June: Brit Baiting
Venue: Dalmarnock
Dear Joan McAggro releases six Unionist sympathisers into the East End of Glasgow and cameras follow them to see how long they live. Commentary by Dear Joan McAggro.
Saturday, 18 February 2012
Friday, 17 February 2012
FROZEN ASSETS
Warriors!
I bring spectacular news. Not of yesterday's meeting with the evil Sheriff Cameron of Bullingdon. That was largely a waste of time as he failed to pay me the level of respect due to me, The Voice of the Scottish People and the Common Weal (to quote my predecessor William Wallace).
No. I bring you news of an important solution to our dwindling reserves of oil and gas. Antarctica my friends. Antarctica.
It turns out that Tony Bliar's government accidentally devolved control of the UK's rights to it's Antarctic territories to Scotland in 1998.
It turns out that the 660,000 square miles of the Antarctic known as the South Shetland and South Orkney Islands is rich in reserves of oil and gas, and, my friends, it is all ours.
Now, getting the stuff out of the ground and building a pipeline from the South Shetlands to Grangemouth may prove rather tricky not to mention expensive. I certainly wouldn't want to ask BP, Shell or any of these other Tory led PLC's to take the thick end of the profits to drill and pipe my oil.
So, I have a better solution.
Should the Referendum vote go against us then I propose that the entire SNP membership moves down there. After all, there will be no point in any of us hanging around here if economic reason defeats our nationalist bandwagon.
Just think, we could use all that oil and gas to build an even bigger, more expensive Panda House than Holyrood. We could have trams linking the furthest parts of the territory (except the airport of course). There would be no books, no economists and no opposition - apart from the odd penguin, walrus or polar bear.
And the best bit?
I, Bravebelly, would be master of all I survey. True freedom my friends, thousands of miles away from global recession and the manipulating tentacles of the Westminster Junta.
It is a prospect that any self respecting Scot must truly wish for.
I bring spectacular news. Not of yesterday's meeting with the evil Sheriff Cameron of Bullingdon. That was largely a waste of time as he failed to pay me the level of respect due to me, The Voice of the Scottish People and the Common Weal (to quote my predecessor William Wallace).
No. I bring you news of an important solution to our dwindling reserves of oil and gas. Antarctica my friends. Antarctica.
It turns out that Tony Bliar's government accidentally devolved control of the UK's rights to it's Antarctic territories to Scotland in 1998.
It turns out that the 660,000 square miles of the Antarctic known as the South Shetland and South Orkney Islands is rich in reserves of oil and gas, and, my friends, it is all ours.
Now, getting the stuff out of the ground and building a pipeline from the South Shetlands to Grangemouth may prove rather tricky not to mention expensive. I certainly wouldn't want to ask BP, Shell or any of these other Tory led PLC's to take the thick end of the profits to drill and pipe my oil.
So, I have a better solution.
Should the Referendum vote go against us then I propose that the entire SNP membership moves down there. After all, there will be no point in any of us hanging around here if economic reason defeats our nationalist bandwagon.
Just think, we could use all that oil and gas to build an even bigger, more expensive Panda House than Holyrood. We could have trams linking the furthest parts of the territory (except the airport of course). There would be no books, no economists and no opposition - apart from the odd penguin, walrus or polar bear.
And the best bit?
I, Bravebelly, would be master of all I survey. True freedom my friends, thousands of miles away from global recession and the manipulating tentacles of the Westminster Junta.
It is a prospect that any self respecting Scot must truly wish for.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
SCOTLAND FILES FOR ADMINISTRATION
Scotland is set to enter talks with creditors in a bid to save the country from possible liquidation.
New owner Mr Bravebelly said the could could face disputed tax bills of up to £180bn from HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC).Scotland hope to negotiate a creditors agreement which would see HMRC and other parties accept less than what they believe they are owed.
A source close to the negotiations told BBC Scotland that HMRC seemed likely to adopt a hardline stance in any talks.
Mr Bravebelly confirmed on Monday that Scotland had filed legal papers at the Court of Session in Edinburgh to appoint administrators.
The country has until the Autumn of 2014 to make a decision on whether to proceed.
The financial storm engulfing Scotland has several fronts.
Mr Bravebelly has acknowledged that the country has a £14bn annual deficit in annual running costs.
It was reported last week that the chairman had also borrowed up to £24bn against four years of future oil revenue from the North Sea.
Most serious of all, Scotland awaits a tax tribunal decision over a disputed bill, plus penalties, totalling £180bn of national debt and bank bail out monies.
Mr Bravebelly was reported on Monday as saying this potential liability to HMRC could exceed £200bn if the country lost the tribunal.
In a statement, Mr Bravebelly said Scotland's immediate future now lay in the hands of HMRC.
"If HMRC were to agree, even at this late stage, a manageable agreement with the SNP, then a formal insolvency procedure could yet be averted," he said. "It goes without saying that would be our preferred outcome.
"If not, further investment in the country would be impossible as the threat of winding up by HMRC cannot be removed.
"The Scottish National Party, the majority shareholder in the independent entity, is unable to provide further funding for the country."
Mr Bravebelly said Scotland had engaged a specialist restructuring practice, Whyte, Hydecash and Murrayspiv, to assist in finding a solution to the present position.
On Tuesday, the Monaco-based firm said it would seek to help the SNP reach an agreement with HMRC.
In a statement, it said: "Whyte, Hydecash and Murrayspiv has been engaged by the directors of the SNP to assist its negotiations with HMRC, and possible restructuring options."
Mr Bravebelly insists Scotland will continue with "business as usual".
"The purpose of this notice is to provide a moratorium against potential creditor actions.
"Meetings are due to take place with HMRC in relation to the tax position of the country.
BBC Scotland understands that SNP's negotiating team expects HMRC to adopt a hardline stance.
If a creditors agreement - or Company Voluntary Arrangement (CVA) - cannot be agreed, the country's future would hang in the balance.
If either of these avenues were taken, the 700-year-old country would, almost certainly, be wound up.
A new country could then be formed which would seek to carry on Scotland's name and traditions.
It would, however, have to overcome a number of fiscal, currency and legal hurdles to participate in any of Europe's senior economic leagues.
Monday, 13 February 2012
SANITY IS A LONELY THING
Good Evening Troops
I have to admit that today has a been more than a wee bit trying for your Liberator in Waiting. It is days like this that try the temper of every great leader in their often solitary fight for what is right.
First it was the Punch and Judy Show. I arrived at the Holyrood Panda House this morning with a spring in my step only to walk into a stream of childish abuse from Wee Jimmy Krankie, the newly elected leader on the Scottish Labour Party, and that 15 year old lassie who's now running the Tories in Scotland.
"Gauleiter" this ....... Rugby expert that.
On and on it went. Ha Ha. Very funny. If it wasn't so sad.
I kept my poise and tried to move onto the business of the day. Important business like the need for a new car park at Dalmeny station and the creation of 20 new jobs at a golf complex in Aberdeen - the very things that the Financial Times and the Tory led press in London should be covering instead of concerning themselves with questions on my deficit and borrowing rates.
Anyway, just as I was about to captivate the room with my oratory skill a note arrives from my supposed American chum Donald Trumpet regarding my plans for another wind farm near his new golf course in Aberdeen. Talk about the hair dryer treatment! Here's what he wrote:
"You will single-handedly have done more damage to Scotland than virtually any event in Scottish history. Taxing your citizens to subsidise wind projects owned by foreign energy companies will destroy your country and its economy. Jobs will not be created in Scotland because these ugly monstrosities known as turbines are manufactured in other countries such as China. These countries are laughing at you. You will be long gone, but the people of Scotland will forever suffer.
I have just authorised my staff to allocate a substantial sum of money to launch an international campaign to fight your plan to surround Scotland's coast with many thousands of wind turbines.
It will be like looking through the bars of a prison and the Scottish citizens will be the prisoners.
Luckily, tourists will not suffer because there will be none as they will be going to other countries that had the foresight to use other forms of energy. I am doing this to save Scotland."
Yours
Donald Trumpet
And to think it was me that helped him get Planning Permission in the first place. Talk about ungrateful! The man is clearly deranged.
Next up was a Cabinet Meeting - my supposed Scottish Brains Trust that will forge prosperity from the wave farms, craft shops and shortbread factories of my Free Scotland.
To be perfectly honest, ever since that Angus Armstrong fellow published that paper on Scotland's Currency and Fiscal Choices*, I've been worried sick about this £14bn annual deficit and the inescapable fact that I'm going to have to pay through the nose to borrow against my Skinto Bonds. So that was the problem I gave my Cabinet.
How do we make up the annual deficit in our New Mediaeval Scotland?
First up was Dear Joan McAggro. No messing about there I thought. I'll get good, clear logic and decisive action. How wrong I was!
Dear Joan: "Let's invade Norway and annex their oil. After all, unlike us they've got tonnes of the stuff left."
My brave heart sank. Invade Norway! What with? Old Firm supporters? The idea was ridiculous.
"Er, thanks Joan" I replied "That's certainly something to think about. Why don't you get back to water boarding some Unionist sympathisers for the rest of the afternoon. I'll give you a shout if we need you."
Next up was Kenny McCashkill, my very own Wyatt Earp.
"Boss, I can have a word with my mates the Gaddafi Boys in Lybia. They'll see us okay for oil and a few million 10 year treasuries after me releasing Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi."
I sighed. "Kenny...... Son. Do you not read? Your pals are all deid. There's a new regime in Libya and if I were you I wouldn't be planning a holiday there any time soon."
What in the name of William Wallace is going on!! Am I surrounded by madmen, fools and loons?
Finally, it was the turn of Princess Nicola to put up her thoughts. After her recent appearance on Question Time I wasn't exactly filled with optimism.
She stood up: "Well I simply don't accept that an independent Scotland will run a deficit and I refuse to listen to anyone who says anything otherwise. So there." She sat down again.
Jings, crivens and help my Boabby Burns. Am I the only sane person in Scotland?
*
National Institute Economic Review No. 219 January 2012
nimodel.niesr.ac.uk/logon/nigem/nigemsw/12-1/wdjan12-press.pdf
I have to admit that today has a been more than a wee bit trying for your Liberator in Waiting. It is days like this that try the temper of every great leader in their often solitary fight for what is right.
First it was the Punch and Judy Show. I arrived at the Holyrood Panda House this morning with a spring in my step only to walk into a stream of childish abuse from Wee Jimmy Krankie, the newly elected leader on the Scottish Labour Party, and that 15 year old lassie who's now running the Tories in Scotland.
"Gauleiter" this ....... Rugby expert that.
On and on it went. Ha Ha. Very funny. If it wasn't so sad.
I kept my poise and tried to move onto the business of the day. Important business like the need for a new car park at Dalmeny station and the creation of 20 new jobs at a golf complex in Aberdeen - the very things that the Financial Times and the Tory led press in London should be covering instead of concerning themselves with questions on my deficit and borrowing rates.
Anyway, just as I was about to captivate the room with my oratory skill a note arrives from my supposed American chum Donald Trumpet regarding my plans for another wind farm near his new golf course in Aberdeen. Talk about the hair dryer treatment! Here's what he wrote:
"You will single-handedly have done more damage to Scotland than virtually any event in Scottish history. Taxing your citizens to subsidise wind projects owned by foreign energy companies will destroy your country and its economy. Jobs will not be created in Scotland because these ugly monstrosities known as turbines are manufactured in other countries such as China. These countries are laughing at you. You will be long gone, but the people of Scotland will forever suffer.
I have just authorised my staff to allocate a substantial sum of money to launch an international campaign to fight your plan to surround Scotland's coast with many thousands of wind turbines.
It will be like looking through the bars of a prison and the Scottish citizens will be the prisoners.
Luckily, tourists will not suffer because there will be none as they will be going to other countries that had the foresight to use other forms of energy. I am doing this to save Scotland."
Yours
Donald Trumpet
And to think it was me that helped him get Planning Permission in the first place. Talk about ungrateful! The man is clearly deranged.
Next up was a Cabinet Meeting - my supposed Scottish Brains Trust that will forge prosperity from the wave farms, craft shops and shortbread factories of my Free Scotland.
To be perfectly honest, ever since that Angus Armstrong fellow published that paper on Scotland's Currency and Fiscal Choices*, I've been worried sick about this £14bn annual deficit and the inescapable fact that I'm going to have to pay through the nose to borrow against my Skinto Bonds. So that was the problem I gave my Cabinet.
How do we make up the annual deficit in our New Mediaeval Scotland?
First up was Dear Joan McAggro. No messing about there I thought. I'll get good, clear logic and decisive action. How wrong I was!
Dear Joan: "Let's invade Norway and annex their oil. After all, unlike us they've got tonnes of the stuff left."
My brave heart sank. Invade Norway! What with? Old Firm supporters? The idea was ridiculous.
"Er, thanks Joan" I replied "That's certainly something to think about. Why don't you get back to water boarding some Unionist sympathisers for the rest of the afternoon. I'll give you a shout if we need you."
Next up was Kenny McCashkill, my very own Wyatt Earp.
"Boss, I can have a word with my mates the Gaddafi Boys in Lybia. They'll see us okay for oil and a few million 10 year treasuries after me releasing Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi."
I sighed. "Kenny...... Son. Do you not read? Your pals are all deid. There's a new regime in Libya and if I were you I wouldn't be planning a holiday there any time soon."
What in the name of William Wallace is going on!! Am I surrounded by madmen, fools and loons?
Finally, it was the turn of Princess Nicola to put up her thoughts. After her recent appearance on Question Time I wasn't exactly filled with optimism.
She stood up: "Well I simply don't accept that an independent Scotland will run a deficit and I refuse to listen to anyone who says anything otherwise. So there." She sat down again.
Jings, crivens and help my Boabby Burns. Am I the only sane person in Scotland?
*
National Institute Economic Review No. 219 January 2012
nimodel.niesr.ac.uk/logon/nigem/nigemsw/12-1/wdjan12-press.pdf
Thursday, 9 February 2012
MATCH OF THE DAY
Good Day Freedom Fighters
I have received notification from the lickspittle BBC that they regret banishing me from last Saturday's coverage of the Six Nations game between our beloved Scotland and the Sheriff of Bullingdon's Forces of Darkness. They have relented and invited me to be interviewed by Gary Smug, the host of their Match of the Day programme. I gleefully accepted, promising of course, to stick to the script and not to mention the cherished issue of independence.
As the interview will be shown in Scotland on BBC Alba at 2am next Sunday morning I have asked one of my SNP minions to publish the transcript. Must dash, Big John Swindly is announcing his budget today and I want make sure he's careful not to include too many whoppers.
Smug: "Welcome to the show Mr Bravebelly."
Bravebelly: "Thank you Gary, or can I call you Gaz....or Gazza perhaps? It certainly is a pleasure to be sitting on the same sofa as legends such as Alan Hansen. By the way, did you know that Scotland will be the 6th richest country in the OECD* by the time that England get knocked out of the next World Cup in 2014."
Smug:" Er, I was rather hoping to stick to the subject of football."
Bravebelly: "Yes, of course. What do you want to talk about? Scotland's 3 - 2 win over England in 1967? King Kenny putting the ball through Ray Clemence's legs for the winner in 1977?"
Smug:" Actually, I wanted to ask you about the issue of Scotland's best footballing talent working at the highest level of the game."
Bravebelly:" You mean like Darren Fletcher and Alex Ferguson working for one of the top three clubs in the world?"
Smug:" Exactly. How do you feel about that Mr Bravebelly?"
Bravebelly:" Well I think it's marvellous."
Smug:" Why?"
Bravebelly:" Goodness Gary. Here's me thinking you were just a typical footie. All cliches, dodgy shirts and an eye for a big cleavage. Let me think. I suppose that seeing people like Ferguson, Fletcher, Dalglish etc on a world class stage makes me proud because it demonstrates that Scots can be successful at the very highest level of a profession. Why do you ask?"
Smug:" Well, do you not think that football and business are analogous in this respect. The very best of British talent work for the very best companies - the multinationals, the PLCs and the supporting SMEs that are almost exclusively based in the South East of our United Kingdom. To them nationality is an outdated irrelevance. It's all about ability. We enjoy their success and we share in that success via the £ billions of tax revenues that then flow through the remainder of the country."
Bravebelly:"I'm not sure that I get your point".
Smug: "Well, on that basis, isn't your plan for an independent Scotland a negative and backward looking move. The best Scots are still going to want to work for the best companies, on the biggest stage. By becoming independent, not only will you be cutting off more tax revenue than you would receive from all of the UK's oil reserves but you'll also be unable to attract the best talent into a microscopic and globally insignificant Scottish private sector."
Bravebelly." Er, Gaz, mate. Can we get back to the football? Slim Jim Baxter's keepy uppies? Me and my pals hanging off the Wembley crossbar in 1977?"
Smug:"I mean, even if you could slash Corporation Tax to Irish levels - which Europe won't allow - then these multinational companies aren't going to move to Scotland. Their whole infrastructure is set up to service Scotland in the same way as any other region of the UK and their global customers will still want to come to London, the financial and corporate capital of Western Europe. You simply won't be able to repatriate the talent and therefore the tax revenues."
Bravebelly (wobbling slightly): No Gary, you're completely wrong there. Look at Amazon? They've opened a huge facility in Dunfermline?"
Smug:" I think you'll find that's a warehouse.........a giant shed. Not exactly their European HQ is it?"
Bravebelly (more wobbling) : "Joe Jordan.What a player!"
Smug:" Look at Ireland, even with a 12.5% tax rate the best Irish talent work abroad. That resulted in their economy being led into bankruptcy by a bunch of spiv property developers and second rate bankers ........and I know you have a few of the latter up the road. I mean, look at the £ 480m parliament debacle, or the Edinburgh Tram Project. These people aren't fit to run a market stall. It's a fundamental lack of talent - second tier economy stuff........ Partick Thistle v Liverpool if you like. What do you say to that?"
Bravebelly (in full wobble): " Er........oil, waves, seaweed.......oppression, William Wallace, freedom!"
Smug:"And of course, you can easily extend that argument across any tax yielding sector you like; culture, tourism, politics, transport etc etc. London and the south east of Britain are the lifeblood of the UK and we all benefit massively from that. Don't you think that if any of your SNP members had spent time working and living in London then they would see this bigger picture?"
Bravebelly (beetroot):" I've been to London loads. I've even stayed the night. With the light off."
Smug:" Presumably that's why you've banned Scots living in the rest of the UK to vote in your referendum? The huge benefits of being in the UK are blatantly obvious to them and they know that you are planning to make your country a backwater to be visited only by stag parties and American golfers."
Bravebelly (wobbling uncontrollably):" Right you elephant lugged English b*****d, end this interview right now or what I do to this studio will make the 1977 Destruction of Wembley look like the tea room in the f****n Ritz."
Smug:" Er, that's all from us folks, now over to Alan for Own Goal of the Month".
*Excepting any share of the UK's £ 1.1 trn National Debt. Factored in then Slovakia and Romania are more relevant equivalents. Ed.
I have received notification from the lickspittle BBC that they regret banishing me from last Saturday's coverage of the Six Nations game between our beloved Scotland and the Sheriff of Bullingdon's Forces of Darkness. They have relented and invited me to be interviewed by Gary Smug, the host of their Match of the Day programme. I gleefully accepted, promising of course, to stick to the script and not to mention the cherished issue of independence.
As the interview will be shown in Scotland on BBC Alba at 2am next Sunday morning I have asked one of my SNP minions to publish the transcript. Must dash, Big John Swindly is announcing his budget today and I want make sure he's careful not to include too many whoppers.
Smug: "Welcome to the show Mr Bravebelly."
Bravebelly: "Thank you Gary, or can I call you Gaz....or Gazza perhaps? It certainly is a pleasure to be sitting on the same sofa as legends such as Alan Hansen. By the way, did you know that Scotland will be the 6th richest country in the OECD* by the time that England get knocked out of the next World Cup in 2014."
Smug:" Er, I was rather hoping to stick to the subject of football."
Bravebelly: "Yes, of course. What do you want to talk about? Scotland's 3 - 2 win over England in 1967? King Kenny putting the ball through Ray Clemence's legs for the winner in 1977?"
Smug:" Actually, I wanted to ask you about the issue of Scotland's best footballing talent working at the highest level of the game."
Bravebelly:" You mean like Darren Fletcher and Alex Ferguson working for one of the top three clubs in the world?"
Smug:" Exactly. How do you feel about that Mr Bravebelly?"
Bravebelly:" Well I think it's marvellous."
Smug:" Why?"
Bravebelly:" Goodness Gary. Here's me thinking you were just a typical footie. All cliches, dodgy shirts and an eye for a big cleavage. Let me think. I suppose that seeing people like Ferguson, Fletcher, Dalglish etc on a world class stage makes me proud because it demonstrates that Scots can be successful at the very highest level of a profession. Why do you ask?"
Smug:" Well, do you not think that football and business are analogous in this respect. The very best of British talent work for the very best companies - the multinationals, the PLCs and the supporting SMEs that are almost exclusively based in the South East of our United Kingdom. To them nationality is an outdated irrelevance. It's all about ability. We enjoy their success and we share in that success via the £ billions of tax revenues that then flow through the remainder of the country."
Bravebelly:"I'm not sure that I get your point".
Smug: "Well, on that basis, isn't your plan for an independent Scotland a negative and backward looking move. The best Scots are still going to want to work for the best companies, on the biggest stage. By becoming independent, not only will you be cutting off more tax revenue than you would receive from all of the UK's oil reserves but you'll also be unable to attract the best talent into a microscopic and globally insignificant Scottish private sector."
Bravebelly." Er, Gaz, mate. Can we get back to the football? Slim Jim Baxter's keepy uppies? Me and my pals hanging off the Wembley crossbar in 1977?"
Smug:"I mean, even if you could slash Corporation Tax to Irish levels - which Europe won't allow - then these multinational companies aren't going to move to Scotland. Their whole infrastructure is set up to service Scotland in the same way as any other region of the UK and their global customers will still want to come to London, the financial and corporate capital of Western Europe. You simply won't be able to repatriate the talent and therefore the tax revenues."
Bravebelly (wobbling slightly): No Gary, you're completely wrong there. Look at Amazon? They've opened a huge facility in Dunfermline?"
Smug:" I think you'll find that's a warehouse.........a giant shed. Not exactly their European HQ is it?"
Bravebelly (more wobbling) : "Joe Jordan.What a player!"
Smug:" Look at Ireland, even with a 12.5% tax rate the best Irish talent work abroad. That resulted in their economy being led into bankruptcy by a bunch of spiv property developers and second rate bankers ........and I know you have a few of the latter up the road. I mean, look at the £ 480m parliament debacle, or the Edinburgh Tram Project. These people aren't fit to run a market stall. It's a fundamental lack of talent - second tier economy stuff........ Partick Thistle v Liverpool if you like. What do you say to that?"
Bravebelly (in full wobble): " Er........oil, waves, seaweed.......oppression, William Wallace, freedom!"
Smug:"And of course, you can easily extend that argument across any tax yielding sector you like; culture, tourism, politics, transport etc etc. London and the south east of Britain are the lifeblood of the UK and we all benefit massively from that. Don't you think that if any of your SNP members had spent time working and living in London then they would see this bigger picture?"
Bravebelly (beetroot):" I've been to London loads. I've even stayed the night. With the light off."
Smug:" Presumably that's why you've banned Scots living in the rest of the UK to vote in your referendum? The huge benefits of being in the UK are blatantly obvious to them and they know that you are planning to make your country a backwater to be visited only by stag parties and American golfers."
Bravebelly (wobbling uncontrollably):" Right you elephant lugged English b*****d, end this interview right now or what I do to this studio will make the 1977 Destruction of Wembley look like the tea room in the f****n Ritz."
Smug:" Er, that's all from us folks, now over to Alan for Own Goal of the Month".
*Excepting any share of the UK's £ 1.1 trn National Debt. Factored in then Slovakia and Romania are more relevant equivalents. Ed.
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
THE MAN WHO KICKED THE HORNET'S NEST
Good Morning Warriors
As you know I am comfortably the finest politician of my generation and one of the reasons for this is my unique foresight.
And, I hear you ask, what problems do I spy on the horizon for my New Mediaeval Scotland?
Well, we're not going to talk about £ 14bn annual deficit, Big John Swindly's sieve like plans for a meaningful cut in Corporation Tax or the vastly increased interest rates on my sterling pegged Skinto Bonds because that's boring............and anyway, I don't have any answers that wouldn't send my data shy followers into mortgage meltdown.
However, strictly between you and I, there is one little issue that is beginning to bother me, namely those god forsaken islands that sit to the north of Scotland and which form a central part of my soon to be realised Oil bonanza.
I'm talking about Shetland and Orkney my friends.
Shetland and Orkney became part of Scotland in 1469, when they were pawned to the Scottish crown as part of a dowry payment from the King of Norway and Denmark to James III of Scotland. The islands were to be returned to Denmark, and until that time Norse Udal laws would remain in place. But Scotland reneged on the deal. In1669, ignoring the pawned condition of the islands, Charles II made an attempt to remedy the situation with his Act of Annexation. The legal situation as it had existed in 1469 was restored in 1669 and, although the term had yet to be been coined, the islands were declared Crown Dependencies. In the 1707 Act of Union the1669 Act was directly contravened and Shetland and Orkney emerged magically as counties of Scotland.
A small territory bullied by a distrusted and more powerful neighbour. Sounds all too familiar doesn't it. I simply can't understand why some of them can't they see the huge prospective benefits of staying part of my New Mediaeval Scotland?
Stirring up nationalistic division through irrelevant historical grievances may be one of my great skills but we can't be having any of that shenanigans taking place up there. Oh, no.
Why, because much of our oil comes ashore in Shetland and my plan is to cover the place with Scottish wind and wave farms. It's our wind and they are our waves!
Consequently, I'm sending Dear Joan, my Head of Wasteland Security, up there to take a list of "anti Scottish"names and addresses.
After all, its what any right minded "Gauleiter" would do under the circumstances.
As you know I am comfortably the finest politician of my generation and one of the reasons for this is my unique foresight.
And, I hear you ask, what problems do I spy on the horizon for my New Mediaeval Scotland?
Well, we're not going to talk about £ 14bn annual deficit, Big John Swindly's sieve like plans for a meaningful cut in Corporation Tax or the vastly increased interest rates on my sterling pegged Skinto Bonds because that's boring............and anyway, I don't have any answers that wouldn't send my data shy followers into mortgage meltdown.
However, strictly between you and I, there is one little issue that is beginning to bother me, namely those god forsaken islands that sit to the north of Scotland and which form a central part of my soon to be realised Oil bonanza.
I'm talking about Shetland and Orkney my friends.
Shetland and Orkney became part of Scotland in 1469, when they were pawned to the Scottish crown as part of a dowry payment from the King of Norway and Denmark to James III of Scotland. The islands were to be returned to Denmark, and until that time Norse Udal laws would remain in place. But Scotland reneged on the deal. In1669, ignoring the pawned condition of the islands, Charles II made an attempt to remedy the situation with his Act of Annexation. The legal situation as it had existed in 1469 was restored in 1669 and, although the term had yet to be been coined, the islands were declared Crown Dependencies. In the 1707 Act of Union the1669 Act was directly contravened and Shetland and Orkney emerged magically as counties of Scotland.
A small territory bullied by a distrusted and more powerful neighbour. Sounds all too familiar doesn't it. I simply can't understand why some of them can't they see the huge prospective benefits of staying part of my New Mediaeval Scotland?
Stirring up nationalistic division through irrelevant historical grievances may be one of my great skills but we can't be having any of that shenanigans taking place up there. Oh, no.
Why, because much of our oil comes ashore in Shetland and my plan is to cover the place with Scottish wind and wave farms. It's our wind and they are our waves!
Consequently, I'm sending Dear Joan, my Head of Wasteland Security, up there to take a list of "anti Scottish"names and addresses.
After all, its what any right minded "Gauleiter" would do under the circumstances.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
IF THE CAP FITS
So I called Ric Bailey of the BBC a "Gauleiter" because he wouldn't let me appear on the BBC's coverage of the Six Nations clash between Scotland and Evil Lord Cameron's Forces of Darkness. They thought I would use the national audience to promote my campaign for a New Mediaeval Scotland instead of offering my unique insights into the finer aspects of the rolling maul.
So what if I called him a "Gauleiter"? 99% of my loyal followers have no idea what that means and the remaining 1% would think I was referring to that French bloke that sells perfume and women's frocks.
So "Gauleiter" means Nazi district leader. Well, what's all the fuss about?
After all, I too am a district leader.
I too have followers who label anyone who disagrees with my plans for liberation as traitors (just ask Dear Joan).
I too promote national segregation and division.
I too use irrelevant historical myths to stir up jingoistic irrationality.
I too place nationalism before economic well being.
Nothing wrong with being a "Gauleiter" in my book.
So what if I called him a "Gauleiter"? 99% of my loyal followers have no idea what that means and the remaining 1% would think I was referring to that French bloke that sells perfume and women's frocks.
So "Gauleiter" means Nazi district leader. Well, what's all the fuss about?
After all, I too am a district leader.
I too have followers who label anyone who disagrees with my plans for liberation as traitors (just ask Dear Joan).
I too promote national segregation and division.
I too use irrelevant historical myths to stir up jingoistic irrationality.
I too place nationalism before economic well being.
Nothing wrong with being a "Gauleiter" in my book.
Sunday, 5 February 2012
THE CELTIC KITTEN
Celtic Comrades
Many of you will remember my glowing praise for Ireland, Iceland and Norway as my Arc of Prosperity. Small independent nations with thriving economies.
Okay, that didn't go quite so well. Iceland and Ireland went bust and my critics rather cruelly renamed them and my dream of a New Mediaeval Scotland as the Arc of Insolvency.
Well, just like Robert the Bruce before me I'm no quitter. I stand on the verge of writing myself into the annals of Scottish History as the modern liberator of my nation. A Willie Wallace for the modern age.
Rousing the rabble and stirring up national resentments is second nature to me. It's easy.
The problem is making the whole thing work. How will my New Mediaeval Scotland pay for itself? We all know that Scotland has a disproportionately high public sector. That has to be paid for, through taxes. Even with all of the oil I'm about £ 14bn short every year so the answer has to lie in borrowing and in the private sector; multinationals, PLC's, their support networks of small and medium sized enterprises.
But the vast majority of them are based in London and the South East of England I here you say. The City of London alone brings in £ 60bn of tax revenue every year and Scotland gets 8% of that just for being in the UK. That 8% is more than all the tax revenue from UK oil.
I know, I know, believe me, I know.
So, what to do? Well, here was the wheeze. I had hoped to copy those fly by the seat of the pants merchants over in Ireland by reducing Corporation Tax to 12.5%. That would hopefully mean that some of those aforementioned multinationals, PLCs and supporting SMEs would relocate to Scotland, bringing their tax revenues with them.
Now I've got another pesky economist questioning whether that can be done. Indeed, my old adviser Professor John Kay went so far as to say that the idea of me lowering corporation tax was pure fantasy. Why? Well, because my new bedfellows in the Eurozone are moving to set a uniform rate of Corporation Tax way higher than the rogue 12.5% that the Irish have got away with for so long. Indeed, my Celtic cousins are likely to see that rate rise as they eventually dig themselves out of the huge economic mess that they are in at the moment.
http://www.heraldscotland.com/mobile/politics/political-news/salmond-in-fantasy-land-over-tax-plans-says-former-adviser.1327806454
So, bang goes my plan for a second Celtic Tiger. More of a meow than a roar.
Big John Swindly gave the David Hume lecture the other evening and suggested that a CT rate of 20% might be the best we can get away with. That's only 3% below the UK rate and I can't see anyone moving north for that.
Time to call my Nobel Prize winning economic advisers, again.
Why don't they ever answer the phone???
Many of you will remember my glowing praise for Ireland, Iceland and Norway as my Arc of Prosperity. Small independent nations with thriving economies.
Okay, that didn't go quite so well. Iceland and Ireland went bust and my critics rather cruelly renamed them and my dream of a New Mediaeval Scotland as the Arc of Insolvency.
Well, just like Robert the Bruce before me I'm no quitter. I stand on the verge of writing myself into the annals of Scottish History as the modern liberator of my nation. A Willie Wallace for the modern age.
Rousing the rabble and stirring up national resentments is second nature to me. It's easy.
The problem is making the whole thing work. How will my New Mediaeval Scotland pay for itself? We all know that Scotland has a disproportionately high public sector. That has to be paid for, through taxes. Even with all of the oil I'm about £ 14bn short every year so the answer has to lie in borrowing and in the private sector; multinationals, PLC's, their support networks of small and medium sized enterprises.
But the vast majority of them are based in London and the South East of England I here you say. The City of London alone brings in £ 60bn of tax revenue every year and Scotland gets 8% of that just for being in the UK. That 8% is more than all the tax revenue from UK oil.
I know, I know, believe me, I know.
So, what to do? Well, here was the wheeze. I had hoped to copy those fly by the seat of the pants merchants over in Ireland by reducing Corporation Tax to 12.5%. That would hopefully mean that some of those aforementioned multinationals, PLCs and supporting SMEs would relocate to Scotland, bringing their tax revenues with them.
Now I've got another pesky economist questioning whether that can be done. Indeed, my old adviser Professor John Kay went so far as to say that the idea of me lowering corporation tax was pure fantasy. Why? Well, because my new bedfellows in the Eurozone are moving to set a uniform rate of Corporation Tax way higher than the rogue 12.5% that the Irish have got away with for so long. Indeed, my Celtic cousins are likely to see that rate rise as they eventually dig themselves out of the huge economic mess that they are in at the moment.
http://www.heraldscotland.com/mobile/politics/political-news/salmond-in-fantasy-land-over-tax-plans-says-former-adviser.1327806454
So, bang goes my plan for a second Celtic Tiger. More of a meow than a roar.
Big John Swindly gave the David Hume lecture the other evening and suggested that a CT rate of 20% might be the best we can get away with. That's only 3% below the UK rate and I can't see anyone moving north for that.
Time to call my Nobel Prize winning economic advisers, again.
Why don't they ever answer the phone???
Saturday, 4 February 2012
HANGING ON THE TELEPHONE
Right, that's me finished reading The Scottish Sun. Rupert's boys have done a sterling job of publishing my outrageous ban from the Calcutta Cup. Nice one lads, lots of new programmes for you guys when Rupert and I launch Sky SBC.
Anyway, I was flinging a few more banned documents on the fire when I came across this paper by economist Dr Angus Armstrong:
National Institute Economic Review No. 219 January 2012
nimodel.niesr.ac.uk/logon/nigem/nigemsw/12-1/wdjan12-press.pdf
It's all about the fiscal choices for my New Mediaeval Scotland and it has the temerity to suggest that independence will bring implicit financial restraints on economic policy, especially fiscal policy, that are otherwise absent whilst Scotland remains chained in thrall to our English masters. The author goes on to suggest that if we adopted the Euro or Sterling then our inability to print money opens us up to the risk of default. I hate to say it comrades but it fairly put the wind up my kilt.
I mean, it suggests that in both the cases of the Euro and Sterling currency control would effectively lie outwith my hands. In effect, we'd have no control of our own currency and we'd go bust if a Shred II emerges from the ashes of the Scottish banking sector.
So, with the Euro and Sterling knocked on the head it looks like we need to get our plans for the Skinto into full implementation mode. But, I really don't know how that's going to work so I've tried phoning one of the three Nobel Prize Winning members of my Economic Committee but I still can't seem to get a reply from any of them.
It's most annoying. That's been nearly a year now. Maybe they've moved.
Anyway, I was flinging a few more banned documents on the fire when I came across this paper by economist Dr Angus Armstrong:
National Institute Economic Review No. 219 January 2012
nimodel.niesr.ac.uk/logon/nigem/nigemsw/12-1/wdjan12-press.pdf
It's all about the fiscal choices for my New Mediaeval Scotland and it has the temerity to suggest that independence will bring implicit financial restraints on economic policy, especially fiscal policy, that are otherwise absent whilst Scotland remains chained in thrall to our English masters. The author goes on to suggest that if we adopted the Euro or Sterling then our inability to print money opens us up to the risk of default. I hate to say it comrades but it fairly put the wind up my kilt.
I mean, it suggests that in both the cases of the Euro and Sterling currency control would effectively lie outwith my hands. In effect, we'd have no control of our own currency and we'd go bust if a Shred II emerges from the ashes of the Scottish banking sector.
So, with the Euro and Sterling knocked on the head it looks like we need to get our plans for the Skinto into full implementation mode. But, I really don't know how that's going to work so I've tried phoning one of the three Nobel Prize Winning members of my Economic Committee but I still can't seem to get a reply from any of them.
It's most annoying. That's been nearly a year now. Maybe they've moved.
BANISHED
Good Morning my Kilted Comrades
This is my kind of day. The Auld Enemy are in town for the Calcutta Cup rugby and you can just feel the old nationalistic animosities bubbling under the surface of all that new found sense of friendship and commonality that so blights my divisive plans for a New Mediaeval Scotland.
I had been invited to join the commentary team of Jeremy Gusset and Jon Inversnail. I was looking forward to meeting Gusset as he is my kind of bloke - even although he's English. He has a swagger, some might say arrogance, allied to an obvious and blinkered nationalistic bias. I doubt he's read a book in his life. My kinda guy!
Anyway, the head of sport at the Tory led Unionist BBC has banned me from appearing, for fear that I bring up the subject of Scottish Independence and thus stir up jingoistic division.
Moi! Perish the thought. It just shows you though comrades - the long tentacles of the right wing Westminster Junta can reach even as far as Edinburgh on match day and like William Wallace and Robert the Bruce before me I am to be banished from my own capital city; my own seat of power.
So, my friends, it's off to Cave Freedom to read my copy of every right minded Scot's favourite newspapers, The Scottish Sun and The Times.
This is my kind of day. The Auld Enemy are in town for the Calcutta Cup rugby and you can just feel the old nationalistic animosities bubbling under the surface of all that new found sense of friendship and commonality that so blights my divisive plans for a New Mediaeval Scotland.
I had been invited to join the commentary team of Jeremy Gusset and Jon Inversnail. I was looking forward to meeting Gusset as he is my kind of bloke - even although he's English. He has a swagger, some might say arrogance, allied to an obvious and blinkered nationalistic bias. I doubt he's read a book in his life. My kinda guy!
Anyway, the head of sport at the Tory led Unionist BBC has banned me from appearing, for fear that I bring up the subject of Scottish Independence and thus stir up jingoistic division.
Moi! Perish the thought. It just shows you though comrades - the long tentacles of the right wing Westminster Junta can reach even as far as Edinburgh on match day and like William Wallace and Robert the Bruce before me I am to be banished from my own capital city; my own seat of power.
So, my friends, it's off to Cave Freedom to read my copy of every right minded Scot's favourite newspapers, The Scottish Sun and The Times.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)