Good Evening Troops
I have to admit that today has a been more than a wee bit trying for your Liberator in Waiting. It is days like this that try the temper of every great leader in their often solitary fight for what is right.
First it was the Punch and Judy Show. I arrived at the Holyrood Panda House this morning with a spring in my step only to walk into a stream of childish abuse from Wee Jimmy Krankie, the newly elected leader on the Scottish Labour Party, and that 15 year old lassie who's now running the Tories in Scotland.
"Gauleiter" this ....... Rugby expert that.
On and on it went. Ha Ha. Very funny. If it wasn't so sad.
I kept my poise and tried to move onto the business of the day. Important business like the need for a new car park at Dalmeny station and the creation of 20 new jobs at a golf complex in Aberdeen - the very things that the Financial Times and the Tory led press in London should be covering instead of concerning themselves with questions on my deficit and borrowing rates.
Anyway, just as I was about to captivate the room with my oratory skill a note arrives from my supposed American chum Donald Trumpet regarding my plans for another wind farm near his new golf course in Aberdeen. Talk about the hair dryer treatment! Here's what he wrote:
"You will single-handedly have done more damage to Scotland than virtually any event in Scottish history. Taxing your citizens to subsidise wind projects owned by foreign energy companies will destroy your country and its economy. Jobs will not be created in Scotland because
these ugly monstrosities known as turbines are manufactured in other
countries such as China. These countries are laughing at you. You will be long gone, but the people of Scotland will forever suffer.
I have just authorised my staff to allocate a substantial
sum of money to launch an international campaign to fight your plan to
surround Scotland's coast with many thousands of wind turbines.
It will be like looking through the bars of a prison and the Scottish citizens will be the prisoners.
Luckily, tourists will not suffer because there will be none
as they will be going to other countries that had the foresight to use
other forms of energy. I am doing this to save Scotland."
Yours
Donald Trumpet
And to think it was me that helped him get Planning Permission in the first place. Talk about ungrateful! The man is clearly deranged.
Next up was a Cabinet Meeting - my supposed Scottish Brains Trust that will forge prosperity from the wave farms, craft shops and shortbread factories of my Free Scotland.
To be perfectly honest, ever since that Angus Armstrong fellow published that paper on Scotland's Currency and Fiscal Choices*, I've been worried sick about this £14bn annual deficit and the inescapable fact that I'm going to have to pay through the nose to borrow against my Skinto Bonds. So that was the problem I gave my Cabinet.
How do we make up the annual deficit in our New Mediaeval Scotland?
First up was Dear Joan McAggro. No messing about there I thought. I'll get good, clear logic and decisive action. How wrong I was!
Dear Joan: "Let's invade Norway and annex their oil. After all, unlike us they've got tonnes of the stuff left."
My brave heart sank. Invade Norway! What with? Old Firm supporters? The idea was ridiculous.
"Er, thanks Joan" I replied "That's certainly something to think about. Why don't you get back to water boarding some Unionist sympathisers for the rest of the afternoon. I'll give you a shout if we need you."
Next up was Kenny McCashkill, my very own Wyatt Earp.
"Boss, I can have a word with my mates the Gaddafi Boys in Lybia. They'll see us okay for oil and a few million 10 year treasuries after me releasing Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi."
I sighed. "Kenny...... Son. Do you not read? Your pals are all deid. There's a new regime in Libya and if I were you I wouldn't be planning a holiday there any time soon."
What in the name of William Wallace is going on!! Am I surrounded by madmen, fools and loons?
Finally, it was the turn of Princess Nicola to put up her thoughts. After her recent appearance on Question Time I wasn't exactly filled with optimism.
She stood up: "Well I simply don't accept that an independent Scotland will run a deficit and I refuse to listen to anyone who says anything otherwise. So there." She sat down again.
Jings, crivens and help my Boabby Burns. Am I the only sane person in Scotland?
*
National Institute Economic Review No. 219 January 2012
nimodel.niesr.ac.uk/logon/nigem/nigemsw/12-1/wdjan12-press.pdf
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