MATCH OF THE DAY

Good Day Freedom Fighters

I have received notification from the lickspittle BBC that they regret banishing me from last Saturday's coverage of the Six Nations game between our beloved Scotland and the Sheriff of Bullingdon's Forces of Darkness. They have relented and invited me to be interviewed by Gary Smug, the host of their Match of the Day programme. I gleefully accepted, promising of course,  to stick to the script and not to mention the cherished issue of independence.

As the interview will be shown in Scotland on BBC Alba at 2am next Sunday morning I have asked one of my SNP minions to publish the transcript. Must dash, Big John Swindly is announcing his budget today and I want make sure he's careful not to include too many whoppers.


Smug: "Welcome to the show Mr Bravebelly."

Bravebelly: "Thank you Gary, or can I call you Gaz....or Gazza perhaps? It certainly is a pleasure to be sitting on the same sofa as legends such as Alan Hansen. By the way, did you know that Scotland will be the 6th richest country in the OECD* by the time that England get knocked out of the next World Cup in 2014."

Smug:" Er, I was rather hoping to stick to the subject of football."

Bravebelly: "Yes, of course. What do you want to talk about? Scotland's 3 - 2 win over England in 1967? King Kenny putting the ball through Ray Clemence's legs for the winner in 1977?"

Smug:" Actually, I wanted to ask you about the issue of Scotland's best footballing talent working at the highest level of the game."

Bravebelly:" You mean like Darren Fletcher and Alex Ferguson working for one of the top three clubs in the world?"

Smug:" Exactly. How do you feel about that Mr Bravebelly?"

Bravebelly:" Well I think it's marvellous."

Smug:" Why?"

Bravebelly:" Goodness Gary. Here's me thinking you were just a typical footie. All cliches, dodgy shirts and an eye for a big cleavage. Let me think. I suppose that seeing people like Ferguson, Fletcher, Dalglish etc on a world class stage makes me proud because it demonstrates that Scots can be successful at the very highest level of a profession. Why do you ask?"

Smug:" Well, do you not think that football and business are analogous in this respect. The very best of British talent work for the very best companies - the multinationals, the PLCs and the supporting SMEs that are almost exclusively based in the South East of our United Kingdom. To them nationality is an outdated irrelevance. It's all about ability. We enjoy their success and we share in that success via the £ billions of tax revenues that then flow through the remainder of the country."

Bravebelly:"I'm not sure that I get your point".

Smug: "Well, on that basis, isn't your plan for an independent Scotland a negative and backward looking move. The best Scots are still going to want to work for the best companies, on the biggest stage. By becoming independent, not only will you be cutting off more tax revenue than you would receive from all of the UK's oil reserves but you'll also be unable to attract the best talent into a microscopic and globally insignificant Scottish private sector."

Bravebelly." Er, Gaz, mate. Can we get back to the football? Slim Jim Baxter's keepy uppies? Me and my pals hanging off the Wembley crossbar in 1977?"

Smug:"I mean, even if you could slash Corporation Tax to Irish levels - which Europe won't allow - then these multinational companies aren't going to move to Scotland. Their whole infrastructure is set up to service Scotland in the same way as any other region of the UK and their global customers will still want to come to London, the financial and corporate capital of Western Europe. You simply won't be able to repatriate the talent and therefore the tax revenues."

Bravebelly (wobbling slightly): No Gary, you're completely wrong there. Look at Amazon? They've opened a huge facility in Dunfermline?"

Smug:" I think you'll find that's a warehouse.........a giant shed. Not exactly their European HQ is it?"

Bravebelly (more wobbling) : "Joe Jordan.What a player!"

Smug:" Look at Ireland, even with a 12.5% tax rate the best Irish talent work abroad.  That resulted in their economy being led into bankruptcy by a bunch of spiv property developers and second rate bankers ........and I know you have a few of the latter up the road. I mean, look at the £ 480m parliament debacle, or the Edinburgh Tram Project. These people aren't fit to run a market stall. It's a fundamental lack of talent  -  second tier economy stuff........ Partick Thistle v Liverpool if you like. What do you say to that?"

Bravebelly (in full wobble): " Er........oil, waves, seaweed.......oppression, William Wallace, freedom!"

Smug:"And of course, you can easily extend that argument across any tax yielding sector you like; culture, tourism, politics, transport etc etc. London and the south east of Britain are the lifeblood of the UK and we all benefit massively from that. Don't you think that if any of your SNP members had spent time working and living in London then they would see this bigger picture?"

Bravebelly (beetroot):" I've been to London loads. I've even stayed the night. With the light off."

Smug:" Presumably that's why you've banned Scots living in the rest of the UK to vote in your referendum? The huge benefits of being in the UK are blatantly obvious to them and they know that you are planning to make your country a backwater to be visited only by stag parties and American golfers."

Bravebelly (wobbling uncontrollably):" Right you elephant lugged English b*****d, end this interview right now or what I do to this studio will make the 1977 Destruction of Wembley look like the tea room in the f****n Ritz."

Smug:" Er, that's all from us folks, now over to Alan for Own Goal of the Month".






*Excepting any share of the UK's £ 1.1 trn National Debt. Factored in then Slovakia and Romania are more relevant equivalents. Ed.