TAXI FOR HESTER

The morning had started so well. Thumbing through my Racing Post, I'd spotted a young filly called Quean Fifi in the 2.30 at Musselburgh and fair fancied a punt. Blind Jock duly obliged and arranged for a few quid each way. That would give me something to look forward to during this afternoon's tedious Question Time in the Panda House.

Labour leader Wee Jimmy Krankie having a pop on my cancer care record and the Lib Dems' Willie Rennie still banging on about me refusing to condemn my proud mob of Orcs for chasing the Evil Farage back to England.

Just wait until I get voted in as President. I'll not need to bother even turning up to meet these swivel eyed loons. I will be innundated with invitations from fellow world statesmen to discuss the big issues. Important people in my Arc of Insolvency such as the Presidents of Ireland and Iceland.

And one of the first issues I'll want to discuss with them is how to run a country without a bank. I say this because Big John Swindly tells me that Lloyds and RBS will be for the off if it looks like I'm going to win my battle for Freedom.

Apparently Scottish banking assets are equivalent to 1,250% of Scottish GDP and RBS alone, according to its latest published balance sheet, has loans and investments of £1.3 trillion. That's equivalent to more than eight times Scottish GDP.

This means that my New Mediaeval Scotland couldn't afford to bail out RBS and therefore their borrowing costs would rise to the point where they'd be on the first train to King's Cross and a new London HQ.

Lloyds are already based in London so they'll be first to go, but it will stick in my craw to see RBS leave Scotland after all the encouragement I gave to The Shred in his takeover of ABN Amro.

It's really not that complex. Big John tells me that when investors and companies lend to a bank and invest in them, they look at what would happen to that bank if it all went 'Fred Goodwin' again and got into another serious financial mess.

Evidently they look at whether the bank's national government could bail the bank out in a crisis - thus reducing losses for the bank's creditors.

Clearly guaranteeing £ 1.3 trillion is way out of my league so the market would dictate that RBS would have to pack its bags and move to London where the UK government would be able to provide that bail out guarantee.

Chances are that many of the the Scottish based fund managers and insurance companies would follow suit and the only real winner would therefore be London's financial sector.

Sore one isn't it? The end of the great Scottish banking industry and no one with the faintest idea what we do when that happens.