Well let's put Princess Nicola's TV fiasco behind us shall we.
Being the finest politician of my generation I have quickly developed a new plan. And here it is:
My tartan hordes hate the Tories. Always have, always will.
The press have swallowed my call for a TV debate but they want me to debate Alistair Darling, ex Labour Chancellor, all round good bloke and leader of the No Campaign. The result would be a debate filled with reason, facts and extremely difficult questions that I can't or won't answer. Oh no. That won't do.
No, I want to debate David Cameron, the evil Sheriff of Bullingdon himself (boo). That way all reason and logic goes straight out of the window and the closed, narrow minds of the watching masses will be filled with memories of Edward I, Margaret Thatcher and the Poll Tax. I'll employ my full suite of chippy, emotional jingoisms and send the public school oppressor homewards to think again. Thus, once more, the people of Scotland will see that I am Robert the Bruce incarnate and that Scotland has once again exacted it's revenge on the Auld Enemy.
Not a reasoned argument or difficult economic question in sight so the plebs stay completely in the dark on the very unpalatable facts surrounding the economy of my not so Free Scotland.
Put on your kilts, paint your faces and numb your brain with ten pints of Tennent's!
Here we go! Here we go! Here we go!
Sunday, 24 March 2013
THE STEEP SLIPPERY SLOPE
Oh Michty Me! It’s a disaster for Scotland!
Brethren. You’ll be aware that Princess
Nicola the Naive has been dying to do her bit for The Cause. In recent weeks
she has seen me sharing the world’s stage with international power brokers such
as President Banda of Malawi. She has seen Big John Swindly work his magic in
the kitchen with the figures. And, just like wee Gordon Strachan’s bench, she looks
on and thinks “Bloody hell, I could do
better than that lot”.
So, when the opportunity arose for an
interview with the uncontentious Jackie Glam of BBC Scotland News I thought,
what the hell, lets see what the lassie can do. Off came the proverbial
tracksuit and on she came for her Hampden debut.
It was an absolute Indyshambles.
I’m off to see how Dear Joan McAggro is getting on with her conference paper on "The Mass Deportation of Non Patriots 2016 and Beyond". Here’s the transcript.
Jackie Glam: “Good evening Miss Naïve. I
believe you want to share an important fact about North Sea Oil”.
Nicola the Naïve: “Yes, Jackie I do.” Ahem.
Deep breath, clearing throat. "As you know, facts and detail are very important to the SNP. So, Jackie. Did you know that in the last 30 years North
Sea Oil revenues have contributed more tax revenues to the UK than any other region of the UK?”
Jackie Glam: “OK. That’s interesting.
However, given that oil production peaked in 1999 are you not simply using a
convenient historical timeframe to make an irrelevant and deliberately misleading political point? North Sea oil is in
terminal decline, right?"
"I mean, that’s like saying Scotland's football team have
qualified for nearly 50% World Cups since 1982. That may be true but it’s
irrelevant to the future. Indeed, on current evidence Scotland won’t be
qualifying for any World Cups any time soon. Agree? ”
Nicola the Naïve, hesitating,: “ Yes, I
mean no, I mean yes and no……. er, sort of.”
Jackie Glam: “I have a 2012 report here from Oil
and Gas UK, the independent and non political trade association for the UK oil industry:
(http://www.oilandgasuk.co.uk/cmsfiles/modules/publications/pdfs/EC030.pdf).
I quote " In 2011 the UK produced 656m barrels of oil, a reduction of 19.2%. This is the biggest year on year reduction ever recorded." They go on to say, and again I quote, " Between 2004 and 2010, the average year-on year decline in production was 7.5% (6.6% for oil and NGLs and 8.6% for gas."
"Miss Naive, your "fact" bears no relation to the reality of the present or the future. Oil is officially a declining resource. At this rate it will run out within our children’s lifetimes. What happens when?”
Nicola the Naïve, flummoxed, “ Um……er……..”. Deep gulp. ” I don’t know.”
Jackie Glam: “ Now, Miss Naïve. Can we turn
to the SNP’s much vaunted proposal for a Scottish Oil Fund?”
Nicola the Naïve, floundering : “ Wave power! Wind! Seaweed Biomass!"
Jackie Glam: “ Pardon? Anyway, to the point. Your leader,
Mr Bravebelly, has suggested that £ 1bn per annum of an independent Scotland’s oil
revenues would be set aside for a £ 30bn oil fund – presumably as a way of
easing the pressures on public sector budgets once the oil runs out.”
Nicola the Naïve, recovering poise: “
That is correct Jackie”
Jackie Glam: “ I have a report here from
the Glasgow - based Centre for Public Policy for the Regions.
(http://www.gla.ac.uk/media/media_223892_en.pdf)
"It quotes Mr
Bravebelly as saying that he can only afford to put money into the fund during good financial times ie when there is a surplus. His own government figures state that an independent Scotland would have a steadily rising deficit in excess of £ 14.8bn at least. This means that the prospect of a surplus, and therefore the chances of him being able to put money into an Oil Fund, are about as realistic as Scotland's chances of winning the 2014 and 2018 World Cups. How do you react to that?"
Nicola the Naïve, sunk: “Can I go home now?”
Friday, 22 March 2013
THE DEVIL IS IN THE DETAIL
So, the date of Bannockburn II is fixed. 18th September 2014.
Oh, how my Braveheart swelled at the thought of linking my fight for freedom with Robert I's great victory in 1314.
And it is in the heart, not the head, where the battle must be fought.
And to that end, here is the official briefing. Follow it to the letter or Dear Joan McAggro will be paying you a visit in the early hours of the morning.
There must be no talk of the following:
1. Free Scotland's choice of currency
Why - because the Euro is a basket case and no one in their right mind would put themselves or their people in the same position as Cyprus, Greece, Portugal et al. Moreover, I'd have to submit my annual Scottish budgets to Brussels for their approval. Not exactly independence is it? We'd be run by the Germans? They're worse than the English for God's sake.
Why - because keeping the £ makes independence pointless. It simply means that Scotland gives up it's current control of its own currency and any right to a bailout should another Fred the Shred take us to the brink of a credit collapse. The UK would be able to do whatever they wanted with our currency without us being able to do a thing about it. And if Scotland needed a loan and the UK agreed to give one then yes, we'd be at the same risk as Cypriot bank depositors.
Why - because printing our own currency would be about as potent as going to the world bond markets with Monopoly money. Just look at the hiding the £ is taking never mind my Skintos.
Stay schtum.
2. Free Scotland's share of the UK National Debt
Why - because International Law dictates that I'd be on the hook for £ 150 bn and I'd have no way to pay it. I'd probably have to give the UK the first 30 years of oil revenues which would effectively turn us into Albania.
Silence on this one my friends.
3. Free Scotland's £ 14bn annual deficit
Why - no one has twigged despite some bampot printing it in our own GERS Report.
In 2009-10, Scotland's estimated net fiscal balance was a deficit of £19.9 billion (17.8 per cent of GDP) when excluding North Sea revenue, a deficit of £14.0 billion (10.6 per cent of GDP) when an illustrative geographical share of North Sea revenue is included.
(http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2011/06/21144516/1)
So, I'd have to borrow £ 14bn pa at an interest rate of nearly 5%. How do I pay for that? I can't (not that you will ever hear me admit it).
4. Free Scotland's Oil Reserves
Why - we have absolutely no certainty about how much oil is left in the North Sea. However, we do know that production peaked in 1999 and is in steady decline. Oil is getting more and more expensive to extract from the North Sea. The new discoveries are smaller and smaller.
Don't let anyone read this by the way. No mention of my predicted boom in this official report. I'll leave Big John to carry the can on that one if the truth gets out.
http://www.oilandgasuk.co.uk/cmsfiles/modules/publications/pdfs/EC030.pdf
Not a word to anyone.
5. Free Scotland's Private Sector and it's rate of Corporation Tax
Why - remember, the plebs believe that the private sector and my oil revenues will fully fund my Public Sector (the biggest per head in the UK). It won't.
Why - those private companies with material business interests in England will switch their registered offices to there and pay their taxes to the UK govt. It will be safer and cheaper for them to do so. As for the tricky matter of CT - if we keep the £ we will have to knuckle down to the UK rate of CT at best. If we go with the Euro the Germans will allow nothing less than European par so we're snookered again.
Omerta.
6. What Free Scotland would be giving up in UK tax revenues
Why - because we would be giving up more than we will get, especially in the coming years as North Sea oil reserves continue to decline. For example, Scotland currently gets 8.4% of the tax revenue from the City of London. That's nearly as much as the entire North Sea tax take so I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face. And that's a price worth paying for freedom.
No one must know about this offset.
Oh, how my Braveheart swelled at the thought of linking my fight for freedom with Robert I's great victory in 1314.
And it is in the heart, not the head, where the battle must be fought.
And to that end, here is the official briefing. Follow it to the letter or Dear Joan McAggro will be paying you a visit in the early hours of the morning.
There must be no talk of the following:
1. Free Scotland's choice of currency
Why - because the Euro is a basket case and no one in their right mind would put themselves or their people in the same position as Cyprus, Greece, Portugal et al. Moreover, I'd have to submit my annual Scottish budgets to Brussels for their approval. Not exactly independence is it? We'd be run by the Germans? They're worse than the English for God's sake.
Why - because keeping the £ makes independence pointless. It simply means that Scotland gives up it's current control of its own currency and any right to a bailout should another Fred the Shred take us to the brink of a credit collapse. The UK would be able to do whatever they wanted with our currency without us being able to do a thing about it. And if Scotland needed a loan and the UK agreed to give one then yes, we'd be at the same risk as Cypriot bank depositors.
Why - because printing our own currency would be about as potent as going to the world bond markets with Monopoly money. Just look at the hiding the £ is taking never mind my Skintos.
Stay schtum.
2. Free Scotland's share of the UK National Debt
Why - because International Law dictates that I'd be on the hook for £ 150 bn and I'd have no way to pay it. I'd probably have to give the UK the first 30 years of oil revenues which would effectively turn us into Albania.
Silence on this one my friends.
3. Free Scotland's £ 14bn annual deficit
Why - no one has twigged despite some bampot printing it in our own GERS Report.
In 2009-10, Scotland's estimated net fiscal balance was a deficit of £19.9 billion (17.8 per cent of GDP) when excluding North Sea revenue, a deficit of £14.0 billion (10.6 per cent of GDP) when an illustrative geographical share of North Sea revenue is included.
(http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2011/06/21144516/1)
So, I'd have to borrow £ 14bn pa at an interest rate of nearly 5%. How do I pay for that? I can't (not that you will ever hear me admit it).
4. Free Scotland's Oil Reserves
Why - we have absolutely no certainty about how much oil is left in the North Sea. However, we do know that production peaked in 1999 and is in steady decline. Oil is getting more and more expensive to extract from the North Sea. The new discoveries are smaller and smaller.
Don't let anyone read this by the way. No mention of my predicted boom in this official report. I'll leave Big John to carry the can on that one if the truth gets out.
http://www.oilandgasuk.co.uk/cmsfiles/modules/publications/pdfs/EC030.pdf
Not a word to anyone.
5. Free Scotland's Private Sector and it's rate of Corporation Tax
Why - remember, the plebs believe that the private sector and my oil revenues will fully fund my Public Sector (the biggest per head in the UK). It won't.
Why - those private companies with material business interests in England will switch their registered offices to there and pay their taxes to the UK govt. It will be safer and cheaper for them to do so. As for the tricky matter of CT - if we keep the £ we will have to knuckle down to the UK rate of CT at best. If we go with the Euro the Germans will allow nothing less than European par so we're snookered again.
Omerta.
6. What Free Scotland would be giving up in UK tax revenues
Why - because we would be giving up more than we will get, especially in the coming years as North Sea oil reserves continue to decline. For example, Scotland currently gets 8.4% of the tax revenue from the City of London. That's nearly as much as the entire North Sea tax take so I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face. And that's a price worth paying for freedom.
No one must know about this offset.
INDIAN GIVER
How did you like the Malawi stunt?
Went off like a treat I thought. Wrote a cheque for £ 4.9m and got one of my lackeys to spin some drivel about Dr Livingstone stumbling around Malawi. Hey, presto. Never mind a washed up basketball player, I get a foreign head of state to come over and meet me. Not a bad entrance onto to the world stage as a national leader don't you think - and a damn sight better than the reception I got from those Ryder Cup golfers back in September.
Anyway, the cheque is only half the story. I've told President Banda to consider it as a loan because I'm sure as hell going to need the money back if I win the referendum in 2014.
Unfortunately, in the absence of a Scottish press regulator, the damn Malawians have spilled the beans on my deal. This extract is from the today's Malawi Times and sounds uncannily like the one I sent to the Scottish press about my donation:
A spokesman for the Malawi foreign office said: "In 2014 Scotland may become one of the poorest countries in the world with 40% of the population surviving on less than 10 Skintos a day. This money will therefore be returned to President Bravebelly in order to help 5,000 of the poorest Scottish families to increase their income and the amount of food they can grow".
"Many will receive goats, cattle and livestock training. Eight villages will also receive help to build new irrigation systems. Others will receive small loans and training in how to start up small businesses based on seaweed, peat and heather."
"Oxfam Malawi will receive money towards its work supporting subsistence farmers in rural areas around Dunfermline".
Went off like a treat I thought. Wrote a cheque for £ 4.9m and got one of my lackeys to spin some drivel about Dr Livingstone stumbling around Malawi. Hey, presto. Never mind a washed up basketball player, I get a foreign head of state to come over and meet me. Not a bad entrance onto to the world stage as a national leader don't you think - and a damn sight better than the reception I got from those Ryder Cup golfers back in September.
Anyway, the cheque is only half the story. I've told President Banda to consider it as a loan because I'm sure as hell going to need the money back if I win the referendum in 2014.
Unfortunately, in the absence of a Scottish press regulator, the damn Malawians have spilled the beans on my deal. This extract is from the today's Malawi Times and sounds uncannily like the one I sent to the Scottish press about my donation:
A spokesman for the Malawi foreign office said: "In 2014 Scotland may become one of the poorest countries in the world with 40% of the population surviving on less than 10 Skintos a day. This money will therefore be returned to President Bravebelly in order to help 5,000 of the poorest Scottish families to increase their income and the amount of food they can grow".
"Many will receive goats, cattle and livestock training. Eight villages will also receive help to build new irrigation systems. Others will receive small loans and training in how to start up small businesses based on seaweed, peat and heather."
"Oxfam Malawi will receive money towards its work supporting subsistence farmers in rural areas around Dunfermline".
PRAVDA
I have to be honest folks, there are times when this job fair gets you down. I'm totally scunnered at being ignored by the powers that be in Westminster.
Time and again I feel like that donkey from the film Shrek - bouncing up and down shrieking "Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me! " whilst all the juicy decisions get discussed by the big boys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj3GH5myc3M
This time it was Levenson. What an opportunity for me to truss up the Scottish press like a Christmas turkey (especially that nest of Labour vipers at the Daily Record). Would Westminster involve me? No. Instead the three UK parties agree one Royal Charter to cover the whole of the UK.
Well that simply won't do. Scotland is home to some of the most vile and powerful publications in Europe. The Sunday Post and The News of The World. Two peas in a pod. Phone hacking celebs? What about Wee Jimmy Krankie or the cast of River City - I'm damn sure the Daily Record have been looking for earth shattering exclusives on their voicemails.
Their UK recommendations will do nothing to cower The Record, The Scotsman and BBC. They won't help me give my best pal Rupert Murdoch an unassailable dominance of the media in my reborn Caledonian super state .
Consequently I am going to have to set up a MacLevenson Inquiry of my own at a cost of tens of thousands pounds of Scottish taxpayer's money.
I'll get some dim witted patsy to chair it and remake the Scottish media landscape in my own image - rather like that athletic young leader of North Korea has done in his country. By the way, I'm getting a bit fed up with him getting all the publicity these days. Just because his economy is a mediaeval throwback and he has a populace that cry on demand. Got to admire the man.
Anyway, I'll appoint a Scottish press regulator with whom all of these publications will have to register.
Then, if they step out of line I...... sorry.........the regulator will come down on them like a tonne of Greggs Steak Bakes.
Mine will be the most draconian press controls in the Western world and maybe then ex basketball players like Dennis Rodman will think about visiting a real world leader such as me instead of my Asian brother Kim Jong Un.
Time and again I feel like that donkey from the film Shrek - bouncing up and down shrieking "Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me! " whilst all the juicy decisions get discussed by the big boys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj3GH5myc3M
This time it was Levenson. What an opportunity for me to truss up the Scottish press like a Christmas turkey (especially that nest of Labour vipers at the Daily Record). Would Westminster involve me? No. Instead the three UK parties agree one Royal Charter to cover the whole of the UK.
Well that simply won't do. Scotland is home to some of the most vile and powerful publications in Europe. The Sunday Post and The News of The World. Two peas in a pod. Phone hacking celebs? What about Wee Jimmy Krankie or the cast of River City - I'm damn sure the Daily Record have been looking for earth shattering exclusives on their voicemails.
Their UK recommendations will do nothing to cower The Record, The Scotsman and BBC. They won't help me give my best pal Rupert Murdoch an unassailable dominance of the media in my reborn Caledonian super state .
Consequently I am going to have to set up a MacLevenson Inquiry of my own at a cost of tens of thousands pounds of Scottish taxpayer's money.
I'll get some dim witted patsy to chair it and remake the Scottish media landscape in my own image - rather like that athletic young leader of North Korea has done in his country. By the way, I'm getting a bit fed up with him getting all the publicity these days. Just because his economy is a mediaeval throwback and he has a populace that cry on demand. Got to admire the man.
Anyway, I'll appoint a Scottish press regulator with whom all of these publications will have to register.
Then, if they step out of line I...... sorry.........the regulator will come down on them like a tonne of Greggs Steak Bakes.
Mine will be the most draconian press controls in the Western world and maybe then ex basketball players like Dennis Rodman will think about visiting a real world leader such as me instead of my Asian brother Kim Jong Un.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
SCOTTISH MEAN TIME
Strictly Confidential: For Dead , Empty Eyes Only.
Brethren.
We have a problem.
A Scot working in the City of London has tonight revealed a devastating flaw in The Cause.
This businessman lives in North Berwick but works in London for an international bank and he has explained a simple truth that threatens the very viability of our Post Bannockburn Nirvana.
Here it is.
At zero degrees of longitude London sits in the perfect place to dominate the world's financial transactions. The Americans, the Chinese et al would give their eye teeth to own this quirk of nature, yet, like nature itself, London's geographical position is immutable. The sun cannot move.
The Asian markets close as the Americans sleep, and whilst the Asians are tucked up in bed, Wall St opens and closes. Meanwhile, London is awake to the opening and closing of both the Asian and the American markets thus allowing traders to work across all three of the world's financial markets at the same time. Billions of pounds, dollars, bunds, bonds, pounds and yen are traded every day through the central hub that is London. No Skintos as yet but give me time.
Imagine the financial sector in New York being forced to go to work at 2am and the Asians at 10pm. It could never happen and it will not change so long as Capitalism remains the prevailing credo of the human race.
It is for this reason that the top traders from all of the world's banks have a base in London bringing in billions of tax revenue to the City of London and hence into the UK's burgeoning public sector.
Without London the UK would be little more than a tourist destination with some dwindling oil reserves. That is why the UK is a G7 and G20 country capable of sustaining it's own currency, protecting it from becoming a Greece, Ireland, Italy or Spain.
Frankfurt have tried and failed to topple London and the world's financial HQ because they have huge problem. Language. It is just too easy for the American banks to set up and work in the home of their native tongue.
Simple, elegant and eminently sustainable for the UK. An absolute nightmare for yours truly.
Why?
Because I, Bravebelly, tell my Legion of the Stupid that I will cut all ties with London and the £ 6bn of annual tax revenues that Scotland receives from London's financial sector just for being part of the UK.
Instead I favour outright ownership of the dwindling, wholly volatile and unpredictable resource of North Sea Oil. Which of the two tax sources would you bet on to protect your future prosperity? Oil or the City of London. Christ, even I know which way I'd vote if I wasn't on my own personal Tartan Jihad.
Keep this strictly to yourselves brethren.
The public must never know.
B
Brethren.
We have a problem.
A Scot working in the City of London has tonight revealed a devastating flaw in The Cause.
This businessman lives in North Berwick but works in London for an international bank and he has explained a simple truth that threatens the very viability of our Post Bannockburn Nirvana.
Here it is.
At zero degrees of longitude London sits in the perfect place to dominate the world's financial transactions. The Americans, the Chinese et al would give their eye teeth to own this quirk of nature, yet, like nature itself, London's geographical position is immutable. The sun cannot move.
The Asian markets close as the Americans sleep, and whilst the Asians are tucked up in bed, Wall St opens and closes. Meanwhile, London is awake to the opening and closing of both the Asian and the American markets thus allowing traders to work across all three of the world's financial markets at the same time. Billions of pounds, dollars, bunds, bonds, pounds and yen are traded every day through the central hub that is London. No Skintos as yet but give me time.
Imagine the financial sector in New York being forced to go to work at 2am and the Asians at 10pm. It could never happen and it will not change so long as Capitalism remains the prevailing credo of the human race.
It is for this reason that the top traders from all of the world's banks have a base in London bringing in billions of tax revenue to the City of London and hence into the UK's burgeoning public sector.
Without London the UK would be little more than a tourist destination with some dwindling oil reserves. That is why the UK is a G7 and G20 country capable of sustaining it's own currency, protecting it from becoming a Greece, Ireland, Italy or Spain.
Frankfurt have tried and failed to topple London and the world's financial HQ because they have huge problem. Language. It is just too easy for the American banks to set up and work in the home of their native tongue.
Simple, elegant and eminently sustainable for the UK. An absolute nightmare for yours truly.
Why?
Because I, Bravebelly, tell my Legion of the Stupid that I will cut all ties with London and the £ 6bn of annual tax revenues that Scotland receives from London's financial sector just for being part of the UK.
Instead I favour outright ownership of the dwindling, wholly volatile and unpredictable resource of North Sea Oil. Which of the two tax sources would you bet on to protect your future prosperity? Oil or the City of London. Christ, even I know which way I'd vote if I wasn't on my own personal Tartan Jihad.
Keep this strictly to yourselves brethren.
The public must never know.
B
Friday, 15 March 2013
MASTERCHEF
Good Morning Taxpayers
Big John Swindly here, fresh from beating Gordon Ramsay et al in the Great Scottish Cook Off.
Today I thought I'd share one of my famous recipes with you:
"Le Grande Fantasie de Petrole du Mer de Nord".
Firstly the ingredients:
1/2 gm of factual information
170gms of wild speculation
150 gms of wishful thinking
5 million gullible Scots
So, here we go.
Firstly. Conditions in the kitchen need to be absolutely correct. I usually wait for the BBC or some other evil Unionist Tory propagandist to publish a document that might prove detrimental to The Great Struggle for Independence. This happened only last week when a draft government paper was leaked to the BBC claiming that uncertainty on future oil reserves and the volatility of pricing thereof might mean that any Treasury of New Caledonia might have to make public spending cuts should the numbers go against us.
It fair raised the few remaining hairs on my baldy napper I can tell you, but that was as nothing compared to the torrent of spleen vented down the phone by our glorious leader, and future King of Scotland, Bravebelly himself.
"How in the name of William Wallace did they get hold of that?!?" he yelled "Johnny, boy, get cookin'! I want enough oil to fill David Murray's wine cellar a billion times over by this time tomorrow. You understand boy?"
One does not dare to misunderstand our great leader.
So, conditions set, off I went.
Step One: Prepare a thin base of factual information
Step Two: Take the OBR's oil predictions for 2017/18 and simply double. Don't worry, the plebs won't notice.
Step Three: Separate wishful thinking from factored in volatility and leave volatility to one side. Add wild speculation.
Step Four: Place in oven and leave to cook for one week
Result: £ 26 billion of extra oil revenues. Just like that.
"Johnny, boy. You'll go down as a national hero. " cooed our great leader when I phoned him with the news. "Your grandchildren will be naming streets in Paisley after to you. Now, what about these plans for a mansion tax. Can we start with David Murray's wine cellar?"
Big John Swindly here, fresh from beating Gordon Ramsay et al in the Great Scottish Cook Off.
Today I thought I'd share one of my famous recipes with you:
"Le Grande Fantasie de Petrole du Mer de Nord".
Firstly the ingredients:
1/2 gm of factual information
170gms of wild speculation
150 gms of wishful thinking
5 million gullible Scots
So, here we go.
Firstly. Conditions in the kitchen need to be absolutely correct. I usually wait for the BBC or some other evil Unionist Tory propagandist to publish a document that might prove detrimental to The Great Struggle for Independence. This happened only last week when a draft government paper was leaked to the BBC claiming that uncertainty on future oil reserves and the volatility of pricing thereof might mean that any Treasury of New Caledonia might have to make public spending cuts should the numbers go against us.
It fair raised the few remaining hairs on my baldy napper I can tell you, but that was as nothing compared to the torrent of spleen vented down the phone by our glorious leader, and future King of Scotland, Bravebelly himself.
"How in the name of William Wallace did they get hold of that?!?" he yelled "Johnny, boy, get cookin'! I want enough oil to fill David Murray's wine cellar a billion times over by this time tomorrow. You understand boy?"
One does not dare to misunderstand our great leader.
So, conditions set, off I went.
Step One: Prepare a thin base of factual information
Step Two: Take the OBR's oil predictions for 2017/18 and simply double. Don't worry, the plebs won't notice.
Step Three: Separate wishful thinking from factored in volatility and leave volatility to one side. Add wild speculation.
Step Four: Place in oven and leave to cook for one week
Result: £ 26 billion of extra oil revenues. Just like that.
"Johnny, boy. You'll go down as a national hero. " cooed our great leader when I phoned him with the news. "Your grandchildren will be naming streets in Paisley after to you. Now, what about these plans for a mansion tax. Can we start with David Murray's wine cellar?"
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
HIERONYMUS BOSCH
So that Michael Moore thinks that I'm "devoting my time to the picture frame whilst having no painting to put in it."
He's suggesting that we are dodging the difficult questions on a £14bn annual deficit, a New Caledonian currency (the Skinto is still my favoured option), my share of the UK national debt and, of course, our plans for breaking and entering into the EU (bloody Barosso). Who wants to hear that stuff? 16 year olds certainly don't. They like celebrities and holidays so, Princess Nicola and I were merely outlining our plans for "Independence Day" once the referendum is won.
A Yes vote in September 2014, two weeks on the bevvy and then a snap election to vote me in as King/President/Heid Gauleiter etc etc.
Finally, to top it all off we'll have a 50ft statue of yours truly erected in the middle of St Andrew's Square. Ahh, I can see it now. Me, like Robert the Bruce reborn, standing tall, head held high with a trusting, authoritative gaze towards Greggs the Bakers.
That Michael Moore should stick to making films about US gun law and industrial deprivation (come to think of it, he might come in useful on that last one).
If he wants a painting then I'll give him one - of me, grinning like a Cheshire Cat at my new minions. Oh yes Mikey boy, you'll have your picture!
B
He's suggesting that we are dodging the difficult questions on a £14bn annual deficit, a New Caledonian currency (the Skinto is still my favoured option), my share of the UK national debt and, of course, our plans for breaking and entering into the EU (bloody Barosso). Who wants to hear that stuff? 16 year olds certainly don't. They like celebrities and holidays so, Princess Nicola and I were merely outlining our plans for "Independence Day" once the referendum is won.
A Yes vote in September 2014, two weeks on the bevvy and then a snap election to vote me in as King/President/Heid Gauleiter etc etc.
Finally, to top it all off we'll have a 50ft statue of yours truly erected in the middle of St Andrew's Square. Ahh, I can see it now. Me, like Robert the Bruce reborn, standing tall, head held high with a trusting, authoritative gaze towards Greggs the Bakers.
That Michael Moore should stick to making films about US gun law and industrial deprivation (come to think of it, he might come in useful on that last one).
If he wants a painting then I'll give him one - of me, grinning like a Cheshire Cat at my new minions. Oh yes Mikey boy, you'll have your picture!
B
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
OCEAN FINANCE
These pesky economists have been stirring up trouble again.
The latest piece of propaganda to emerge from the pointy heads involves the question of my New Caledonia's share on the UK £ 1.16 trillion national debt.
Well, I don't need to tell my loyal hordes what we'll do about that after my Coronation Day. Simple. We'll tell the Sheriff of Bullingdon to shove it. Nothing to do with us laddie.
Haud the bus Bravebelly, they say. Not so simple. The international courts won't let you get away with a Pontius Pilate on that one.
Sadly, between you and me they have a point.
So, in pile the lawyers and the economists with an argument that runs something like this.
The UK: Mr Bravebelly, you owe the UK your share of the 2016 National Debt ie £ 150 billion. How would you like to pay?
Me: Go away
The UK: Do you want us to refer the matter to the law? You know you can't win.
Me: Aye, all right. I can't win on that one. How about you give us a loan?
The UK: Secured against what?
Me: My windfarms, my wave energy and all the money we rake in from the Edinburgh Trams.
The UK: Er, no thanks.
Me: But who else is going to lend me £ 140 billion?
The UK: Well, not the ECB and not the IMF. How about trying Craig Whyte?
Me: Aye, very good. Well it looks like I can't pay up.
The UK: Well, actually you could.
Me: Magic, tell me more!
The UK: You could simply sign over your much vaunted oil revenues to the UK government until such time as you've paid off your share of the debt. It's really very logical.
Me: You woudnae dare. We'd be living in mud huts and surviving on Tesco Value Horse Burgers for decades. Christ, my windfarms can barely light up my Holyrood Palace never mind the whole of New Caledonia. We're doomed!
The UK: Watch this space.
The latest piece of propaganda to emerge from the pointy heads involves the question of my New Caledonia's share on the UK £ 1.16 trillion national debt.
Well, I don't need to tell my loyal hordes what we'll do about that after my Coronation Day. Simple. We'll tell the Sheriff of Bullingdon to shove it. Nothing to do with us laddie.
Haud the bus Bravebelly, they say. Not so simple. The international courts won't let you get away with a Pontius Pilate on that one.
Sadly, between you and me they have a point.
So, in pile the lawyers and the economists with an argument that runs something like this.
The UK: Mr Bravebelly, you owe the UK your share of the 2016 National Debt ie £ 150 billion. How would you like to pay?
Me: Go away
The UK: Do you want us to refer the matter to the law? You know you can't win.
Me: Aye, all right. I can't win on that one. How about you give us a loan?
The UK: Secured against what?
Me: My windfarms, my wave energy and all the money we rake in from the Edinburgh Trams.
The UK: Er, no thanks.
Me: But who else is going to lend me £ 140 billion?
The UK: Well, not the ECB and not the IMF. How about trying Craig Whyte?
Me: Aye, very good. Well it looks like I can't pay up.
The UK: Well, actually you could.
Me: Magic, tell me more!
The UK: You could simply sign over your much vaunted oil revenues to the UK government until such time as you've paid off your share of the debt. It's really very logical.
Me: You woudnae dare. We'd be living in mud huts and surviving on Tesco Value Horse Burgers for decades. Christ, my windfarms can barely light up my Holyrood Palace never mind the whole of New Caledonia. We're doomed!
The UK: Watch this space.
ON YER BIKE
Good Morning Bravehearts
Well, the terrible events of the summer are behind us and it is safe for me to emerge once more from Cave Freedom.
I have to admit that the sight of my "Scolympians" parading around London with gold medals and Union Jacks draped round their shoulders put me off my porridge for weeks. How dare they betray the Scottish Nation whilst we fight for our freedom. Trust me, that lad Hoy and the grim faced tennis player from Dunblane will both be asked to "get on their bikes" once my tartan army of freedom fighters and gullible dreamers sweep me into office as President of New Caledonia. Cherish the day!
No. Once the glorious day comes there will be no place for fainthearts and traitors (or businessmen according to Big John Swindly). They will be the first to be marched through our brand spanking new border controls. Off to London with the lot of you and take your private sector with you.
Mine will be a land of the brave, the naive and, until we pay off our share of the National Debt, the penniless.
Well, the terrible events of the summer are behind us and it is safe for me to emerge once more from Cave Freedom.
I have to admit that the sight of my "Scolympians" parading around London with gold medals and Union Jacks draped round their shoulders put me off my porridge for weeks. How dare they betray the Scottish Nation whilst we fight for our freedom. Trust me, that lad Hoy and the grim faced tennis player from Dunblane will both be asked to "get on their bikes" once my tartan army of freedom fighters and gullible dreamers sweep me into office as President of New Caledonia. Cherish the day!
No. Once the glorious day comes there will be no place for fainthearts and traitors (or businessmen according to Big John Swindly). They will be the first to be marched through our brand spanking new border controls. Off to London with the lot of you and take your private sector with you.
Mine will be a land of the brave, the naive and, until we pay off our share of the National Debt, the penniless.
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