OCEAN FINANCE

These pesky economists have been stirring up trouble again.

The latest piece of propaganda to emerge from the pointy heads involves the question of my New Caledonia's share on the UK £ 1.16 trillion national debt.

Well, I don't need to tell my loyal hordes what we'll do about that after my Coronation Day. Simple. We'll tell the Sheriff of Bullingdon to shove it. Nothing to do with us laddie.

Haud the bus Bravebelly, they say. Not so simple. The international courts won't let you get away with a Pontius Pilate on that one.

Sadly, between you and me they have a point.

So, in pile the lawyers and the economists with an argument that runs something like this.

The UK: Mr Bravebelly, you owe the UK your share of the 2016 National Debt ie £ 150 billion. How would you like to pay?

Me: Go away

The UK: Do you want us to refer the matter to the law? You know you can't win.

Me:  Aye, all right. I can't win on that one. How about you give us a loan?

The UK: Secured against what?

Me: My windfarms, my wave energy and all the money we rake in from the Edinburgh Trams.

The UK: Er, no thanks.

Me: But who else is going to lend me £ 140 billion?

The UK: Well, not the ECB and not the IMF. How about trying Craig Whyte?

Me: Aye, very good. Well it looks like I can't pay up.

The UK: Well, actually you could.

Me: Magic, tell me more!

The UK: You could simply sign over your much vaunted oil revenues to the UK government until such time as you've paid off your share of the debt. It's really very logical.

Me: You woudnae dare. We'd be living in mud huts and surviving on Tesco Value Horse Burgers for decades. Christ, my windfarms can barely light up my Holyrood Palace never mind the whole of New Caledonia. We're doomed!

The UK: Watch this space.