THE STEEP SLIPPERY SLOPE

Oh Michty Me! It’s a disaster for Scotland!

Brethren. You’ll be aware that Princess Nicola the Naive has been dying to do her bit for The Cause. In recent weeks she has seen me sharing the world’s stage with international power brokers such as President Banda of Malawi. She has seen Big John Swindly work his magic in the kitchen with the figures. And, just like wee Gordon Strachan’s bench, she looks on and  thinks “Bloody hell, I could do better than that lot”.

So, when the opportunity arose for an interview with the uncontentious Jackie Glam of BBC Scotland News I thought, what the hell, lets see what the lassie can do. Off came the proverbial tracksuit and on she came for her Hampden debut.

It was an absolute Indyshambles.

I’m off to see how Dear Joan McAggro is getting on with her conference paper on "The Mass Deportation of Non Patriots 2016 and Beyond". Here’s the transcript.

Jackie Glam: “Good evening Miss Naïve. I believe you want to share an important fact about North Sea Oil”.

Nicola the Naïve: “Yes, Jackie I do.” Ahem. Deep breath, clearing throat. "As you know, facts and detail are very important to the SNP. So, Jackie.  Did you know that in the last 30 years  North Sea Oil revenues have contributed more tax revenues to the UK than any other region of the UK?”

Jackie Glam: “OK. That’s interesting. However, given that oil production peaked in 1999 are you not simply using a convenient historical timeframe to make an irrelevant and deliberately misleading political point? North Sea oil is in terminal decline, right?"

"I mean, that’s like saying Scotland's football team have qualified for nearly 50% World Cups since 1982. That may be true but it’s irrelevant to the future. Indeed, on current evidence Scotland won’t be qualifying for any World Cups any time soon. Agree? ”

Nicola the Naïve, hesitating,: “ Yes, I mean no, I mean yes and no……. er, sort of.”

Jackie Glam: “I have a 2012 report here from Oil and Gas UK, the independent and non political trade association for the UK oil  industry:

(http://www.oilandgasuk.co.uk/cmsfiles/modules/publications/pdfs/EC030.pdf). 

I quote " In 2011 the UK produced 656m barrels of oil, a reduction of 19.2%. This is the biggest year on year reduction ever recorded." They go on to say, and again  I quote, " Between 2004 and 2010, the average year-on year decline in production was 7.5% (6.6% for oil and NGLs and 8.6% for gas."

"Miss Naive, your "fact" bears no relation to the reality of the present or the future. Oil is officially a declining resource. At this rate it will run out within our children’s lifetimes. What happens when?”

Nicola the Naïve, flummoxed,  “ Um……er……..”. Deep gulp.   ” I don’t know.”

Jackie Glam: “ Now, Miss Naïve. Can we turn to the SNP’s much vaunted proposal for a Scottish Oil Fund?”

Nicola the Naïve, floundering  : “ Wave power! Wind! Seaweed Biomass!"

Jackie Glam: “ Pardon?  Anyway, to the point. Your leader, Mr Bravebelly, has suggested that £ 1bn per annum of an independent Scotland’s oil revenues would be set aside for a £ 30bn oil fund – presumably as a way of easing the pressures on public sector budgets once the oil runs out.”

Nicola the Naïve, recovering poise: “ That is correct Jackie”

Jackie Glam: “ I have a report here from the Glasgow - based Centre for Public Policy for the Regions.

(http://www.gla.ac.uk/media/media_223892_en.pdf) 

"It quotes Mr Bravebelly as saying that he can only afford to put money into the fund during good financial times ie when there is a surplus. His own government figures state that an independent Scotland would have a steadily rising deficit in excess of £ 14.8bn at least. This means that the prospect of a surplus, and therefore the chances of him being able to put money into an Oil Fund, are about as realistic as Scotland's chances of winning the 2014 and 2018 World Cups. How do you react to that?"

Nicola the Naïve, sunk: “Can I go home now?”