How did you like the Malawi stunt?
Went off like a treat I thought. Wrote a cheque for £ 4.9m and got one of my lackeys to spin some drivel about Dr Livingstone stumbling around Malawi. Hey, presto. Never mind a washed up basketball player, I get a foreign head of state to come over and meet me. Not a bad entrance onto to the world stage as a national leader don't you think - and a damn sight better than the reception I got from those Ryder Cup golfers back in September.
Anyway, the cheque is only half the story. I've told President Banda to consider it as a loan because I'm sure as hell going to need the money back if I win the referendum in 2014.
Unfortunately, in the absence of a Scottish press regulator, the damn Malawians have spilled the beans on my deal. This extract is from the today's Malawi Times and sounds uncannily like the one I sent to the Scottish press about my donation:
A spokesman for the Malawi foreign office said: "In 2014 Scotland may become one of
the poorest countries in the world with 40% of the population surviving
on less than 10 Skintos a day. This money will therefore be returned to President Bravebelly in order to help 5,000 of the poorest Scottish families to increase their income and the amount of food they
can grow".
"Many will receive goats, cattle and livestock training. Eight villages will also receive help to build new irrigation systems. Others will
receive small loans and training in how to start up small businesses based on seaweed, peat and heather."
"Oxfam Malawi will receive money towards its work supporting subsistence farmers in rural areas around Dunfermline".
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