PRAVDA

I have to be honest folks, there are times when this job fair gets you down. I'm totally scunnered at being ignored by the powers that be in Westminster.

Time and again I feel like that donkey from the film Shrek - bouncing up and down shrieking "Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me! " whilst all the juicy decisions get discussed by the big boys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj3GH5myc3M

This time it was Levenson. What an opportunity for me to truss up the Scottish press like a Christmas turkey (especially that nest of Labour vipers at the Daily Record).  Would Westminster involve me? No. Instead the three UK parties agree one Royal Charter to cover the whole of the UK.

Well that simply won't do. Scotland is home to some of the most vile and powerful publications in Europe. The Sunday Post and The News of The World. Two peas in a pod. Phone hacking celebs? What about Wee Jimmy Krankie or the cast of River City - I'm damn sure the Daily Record have been looking for earth shattering exclusives on their voicemails.

Their UK recommendations will do nothing to cower The Record, The Scotsman and BBC. They won't help me give my best pal Rupert Murdoch an unassailable dominance of the media in my reborn Caledonian super state .

Consequently I am going to have to set up a MacLevenson Inquiry of my own at a cost of tens of thousands pounds of Scottish taxpayer's money.

I'll get some dim witted patsy to chair it and remake the Scottish media landscape in my own image - rather like that athletic young leader of North Korea has done in his country. By the way, I'm getting a bit fed up with him getting all the publicity these days. Just because his economy is a mediaeval throwback and he has a populace that cry on demand. Got to admire the man.

Anyway,  I'll appoint a Scottish press regulator with whom all of these publications will have to register.

Then, if they step out of line I...... sorry.........the regulator will come down on them like a tonne of Greggs Steak Bakes.

Mine will be the most draconian press controls in the Western world and maybe then ex basketball players like Dennis Rodman will think about visiting a real world leader such as me instead of my Asian brother Kim Jong Un.