JURASSIC PARK

Good Morning Warriors

The riddle of  the Loch Ness Monster has at last been solved. We’ve found it and we’ve identified it. Our Minister for Justice,  Hen MacCashkill is never one to let anything (or anyone) get away and he has bagged the fiend.

We are set for a multi thousand Skinto windfall from a wonderful new tourist attraction, namely .......

......the Eckdaurus Salmondus

Long thought extinct by the scientific and educated modern world, the Eckdaurus Salmondus is a real throwback to darker times.  

A large reptilian dinosaur, the Salmondus marks it’s territory with poisonous excretions.  These drive away the more hospitable inhabitants of its otherwise contented and prosperous habitat.

A solitary creature, the Salmondus feeds on the weak and the lame. It digs a deep hole in which it  spends long cold winters waiting for the common bonds of modernity and international friendship to be strained and then emerges to feed on the slow, the ignorant and the blind. If allowed to exist unchecked it will quickly turn temperate lands into a desolate environment in which nothing grows and the inhabitants quickly turn on each other.

Obviously, with Sunshine and Sweetie succumbing to the rigours of the Scottish winter the plan is to transport the last remaining Salmondus from it's Highland home to Edinburgh where a special enclosure can be constructed. A budget in line with that of the Edinburgh Trams has been set aside from Scotland's allocation of the UK tax take and Big Hen has appointed some Lithuanian bloke he met in Gorgie to run the finances of the project.

Another Skinto spinner for a Free Scotland my friends.

ROAD TO NOWHERE

Comrades

I think it is fair to say that I have won the moral debate on Scotland's right to freedom from English thrall and for that reason I agreed to be interviewed on the thorny issue of economics. As you know, my detractors have criticised my desire to base an independent Scotland on a depleting oil resource and a very vague promise of renewable energy.

Having triumphed over Sir Jeremy of Saxo in our interview last week I was more than happy to engage another Englishman, John Auther of Longview. He has been writing pieces about the global economy in one of my banned publications, The Financial Times. This was my chance to get the facts straight. Here is the transcript:

Longview: "Good morning, Mr Bravebelly. As you know I have been writing a number of pieces about the prospects on the global economy, using some of the more obscure London Street names as my theme. Bear St, Prudent Passage etc etc. With which street would you most associate with the economy of an independent Scotland?"

Me: " Thank you, John. Well, before you say it, it certainly isn't the Highway to Hell. Honest. I see it more as a road paved with black gold."

Longview: " I'm assuming that you are referring to the UK oil reserves which you hope to claim for your own?"

Me: "Yes. That is correct. Once we get our oil then we will instantly be the 6th richest country in the OECD".

Longview: "But that's not quite right is it Mr Bravebelly. That statistic you quote takes no account for an independent Scotland's share of the the £ 1 trillion national debt or the £ 180bn of bail out money owed by the two Scottish banks".

Me: "Nothing to do with me. All that was someone elses's fault."

Longview: "You mean that you have based your economic pronouncements on the assumption of none of that debt?"

Me: "Yup."

Longview: "But, in reality, that's never going to happen is it? An independent Scotland will actually be slightly worse off than the remaining UK and will be on an economic par with countries like Slovakia and Romania".

Me: "Oh, stop getting so technical John. Being the 6th biggest economy in the OECD is a great thing to tell the locals and by the time I get round to agreeing to my share of the £ 1.1 trn debt then they'll already have bought my story."

Longview: "Er, right. I see. Another question if I may. London and the South East effectively subsidises the rest of the UK, including Scotland. Under the Barnett formula Scotland automatically receives over 8% of that tax revenue every year. It dwarfs the amount of money Scotland would receive from all of the UK's oil production so by seeking independence are you not simply cutting off your nose to spite your face, especially given the fact that oil revenues will deplete by 75% over the next 10 years?"

Me: "The McGrone Report says that there is enough oil to make Scotland a "new Norway"".

Longview: " But the McGrone Report was written in 1975. That's 37 years ago!  UK oil production peaked in the late 90's and has been in decline ever since."

Me: "You know that. I know that.  But most of my supporters don't know that. I say McGrone Report. They think endless prosperity. Come on John, keep up, this is about politics not reason."

Longview: " Er, right. Your own GERS Report states that an independent Scotland would run an annual deficit of £ 14bn even with the oil revenues. The clear implication is that you are going to need all of the oil revenues to put towards that annual deficit and will therefore be unable to build up a Sovereign Wealth Fund in the same way that Norway has done. In fact you will need to borrow money, cut spending and increase taxes to make up that annual shortfall. Is that not correct?"

Me: "John, or can I call you Johnny. Let me quote you a phrase from the great Rabbie Burns. "Many a Mickle maks a Muckle.""

Longview: "What?"

Me: "In my homespun, couthy way I'm referring to my plans for renewable energy. We are building wind farms, wave farms and already have a great big hot air farm called Holyrood".

Longview: "Do you have any financial figures on your renewables plan Mr Bravebelly?"

Me (whistling): “I’ll take the high road and you take the low road and I’ll be in power before you.”

Longview: "Right. So no figures then?"

Me: " John, Johnny, Johnny lad. Dinnae fash yersel' with concerns over figures. You economists are all the same. This war of independence will be won on emotion, not logic. As long as no one looks at the numbers I'm in Easy Street."

 Longview: "Er, are you sure you don't mean Skid Row?"

 

HAIL CAESAR!

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An interesting debate took place in the Holyrood Panda House yesterday.

Princess Nicola raised a motion that a Free Scotland considers replacing the British monarchy after we win the Battle of Bannockburn II in 2014.

She has suggested that once the present Queen shuffles off her mortal coil then her biscuit baking son might not be the best future monarch for our liberated nation.

“Glorious Bravebelly” she cried from among he rows of pasty faces in the chamber, " liberator of Caledonia, leader of the oppressed, surely you are the obvious candidate to be our King of Free Scotland.”

My head was spinning.  All those childish dreams of William Wallace and Robert the Bruce that have been with me since I was a boy flashed through my mind. Things are different now of course. I’ve matured.  I’ve been to London several times and I’ve even stayed overnight on a couple of occasions so I have a much broader outlook than your average Little Scotlander. My romantic image of Scotland has flourished, my self absorbtion in the face of a more collective sense of social British union has hardened into a steely political will. It is, indeed, all about me.

Princess Nicola, with a tear in her eye, continued “ Hear, glorious Bravebelly, we have even thought of a name. King Alexander IV. “

“Very well" I soothed "if you insist, carry on”.

“Yes, it comes from a long tradition of great leaders. Firstly there are obvious associations with Alexander the Great who led his Macedonians to world domination.” She coaxed.

I liked that bit. Good opening.

“Then there was Alexander I of Scotland. He massacred every rival tribal leader in Scotland and united his country for the first time. His descendent Alexander II even marched a Scottish army to terrorise the south east of England – just as you did this week with your mesmerising Hugo Young Lecture.

Oh yes, I thought. It’s all stacking up now. This is destiny indeed.

“What about Alexander III?” I enquired, eager to have more honey poured into my ear.

“Not so good, I’m afraid” she replied

Ah.

“Alexander III fell off a cliff near Kirkcaldy on his way to see his mistress. I’m assured that although it was very late at night no alcohol whatsoever was involved.”

No matter. There’s always one hothead that goes and spoils things for the rest. I’ll ignore him.

Anyway, parliament has set a date for the middle of March to decide the matter so we shall see.

Dear Joan has warned me that the weather forecast is particularly bleak for that week in March and has urged my to stay away from the Panda House for the final debate. Instead, she wants me to stay in Cave Freedom with my well thumbed copies of Blind Harry’s Wallace and Das Kapital.

I don’t know about that though.

King Alexander IV. I really quite like it.

BRITON OF THE YEAR

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Whoever said that irony is dying. It’s official, yours truly, the future Liberator of Scotland, has just been voted “Briton of the Year” by Rupert Murdoch’s Times newspaper.

Crivens. You couldn’t make it up. A few tickets to the Ryder Cup at Gleneagles and a Sean Connery DVD and I’m suddenly Rupert’s favorite Brit.

Now I know he’s been struggling recently with all that phone hacking stuff but he’s not such a bad lad. Like me, he hates the English elite. Like me, he’ll stoop to any means possible to get what he wants. Like me, he’s always right. 

What a guy!

Anyway, my Caledonian comrades, look out for many more appearances from yours truly on the Sky network and in the Murdoch press. 

And just wait for our exciting new television service – the SBC. Rupert will be funding it, so that will mean 72 new channels pumping tens of Skintos into my white hot economy. 

With an audience of hundreds we'll attract adverts for tiles, carpets and caravan parks. Real high quality stuff that is not in the least bit annoying, banal and third rate.

We'll have programmes selling affordable Scottish quartz jewellery; we'll have live football from the Ayrshire Junior Leagues and we'll broadcast in depth interviews with the people driving my Brave New Scottish economy  - people like tram drivers, off licence managers and whoever it is that makes the "To Let" signs.

WANTED

A reward of £ 1,000 Skintos ( £ 700) for information leading to the apprehension of the comedian that pinned this to the front door of the Panda House at Holyrood yesterday morning.

It's not big and it's not funny. Here's me telling all the dafties that my Land of the Free will be the 6th biggest economy in the OECD and someone raises the issue of my share of the RBS/HBOS bank debt!  I'm supposed to be blaming Westminster for that one - just like I'm pretending that I know nothing at all about my share of the £ 1 trillion UK deficit.

For the sake o' Rabbie Burns! This could put me on the hook for 9% of £ 1.180 trillion. That's a lot of Skintos and takes my Land of the Free down to the same level as Romania on the OECD table.

If you know anything about the wee sleekit, timorous beastie that did this then contact Dear Joan immediately.

TRIUMPH

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Did you see the lecture? Did you see …… me?

What a triumph. I dazzled them with my formidable intellect; I charmed; I soothed;  I quoted Burns and the Declaration of Arbroath. I even quoted lines from a favourite Scottish ditty. The English were mesmerized……….aside from the bloke in the front who described me as a political dinosaur who is completely out of touch with the modern and collective sense of Britishness. Pah! What does he know?

Anyway, comrades in arms. I can honestly tell you that the English have not seen the like since William Wallace stood in their Parliament Hall in 1305. Scotland spoke that day and Scotland spoke again last night!

Flush from my success I decided to push home the advantage and accept the challenge of meeting Westminster’s Grand Inquisitor, the feared Sir Jeremy of Saxo.

Needless to say I won the day and sent him back to Salford to think again.

Apparently Sir Saxo’s programme goes out when most people are in their beds or else are mildly intoxicated so here is the full transcript of my victorious interview:

Saxo: “ So, Mr Bravebelly. If you are so keen to get your hands on the depleting oil reserves why don’t you have a referendum on independence as soon as possible?”

Me: “Well, Sir Jeremy – or may I call you Jerry, or pal perhaps?”

Saxo: “You can call me whatever you like. I’m still going to treat you as the slippery demagogue that most people in Scotland recognize you to be.”

Me: “Well, Jerry, old pal, the reason we are not having the referendum sooner that the anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn is that we need time for the Scottish people to fully understand the issues and for them to fully associate me with Robert the Bruce.”

Saxo:” I see. So what you are saying is that the Scottish people don’t have the intelligence or wit to have worked out where they stand on the issue of independence already?”

Me: “ Er, I didn’t say that.”

Saxo: “ I think you’ll find that you just did. Let me put it another way. The polls state that over 60% of Scots are against independence. Is it therefore the fact that you know that you can’t win the vote just now and are buying time to stir up division through culturally obsolescent and frankly, Mr Bravebelly,  rather embarrassing populist jingoism? What do you say about that?”

Me: “Jerry, pal, let me quote an old Scottish ditty. “Ye cannae trusts the polls. They dinnae matter to the proles. They’ll believe anything their tell’t.”

Saxo: “ I’m not sure I follow?”

Me: “ Good. Neither do I. Or my supporters for that matter.”

Saxo: “You describe an independent Scotland as a “beacon of progress” for the rest of the United Kingdom. What on earth do you mean by that?”

Me: “ Well, if I can fill the vacuum created by that poor wee laddie Edward II of Miliband then, I, Bravebelly, will be the de facto leader of the Left, not only in Scotland, but also in the UK.”

Saxo: “That’s a very bold move.”

Me: “ I know, but I really am that good. I’m the best politician of my generation don’t you know.”

Saxo: Didn’t Robert Mugabe say something similar before plunging Zimbabwe into economic oblivion.”

Me: “Oi. Pal. Are you suggesting I’m some kind of meglomaniac driven by xenophobia and the desire to run a one party state ?!?”

Saxo: “  Well, if the crown fits? It could certainly be suggested that you share some of the same demagogic tendencies.”

Me “ Look, Jerry, pal, let’s be friends. I tell you what. How about I give you a case of Japanese owned Scotch Whisky and a three year contract to present the 6 o’clock news on my forthcoming SBC 1 channel. Rupert Murdoch has offered to put up the money in exchange for some more Ryder cup tickets.”

Saxo: “ I give up. The sooner we’re rid of you and your kind the better.”

Me:” Exactly. Now you've got the idea. Game set and match to Bravebelly”.

THE BELLY OF THE BEAST

Good Morning my wee Willie Wallaces

As you may know, today I am travelling to the belly of the beast - to London - to deliver a very important lecture.

There I will seek to set out my vision for a New Scotland as a "beacon of progressive opinion" for voters throughout the UK.

I will outline my plans on Corporation Tax - I still hope to copy Ireland, our fellow member of the Arc of Insovency, by dropping the CT rate to under 20%. However,  London are carping on about me taking my 9% share of the £ 1 trillion National Debt and another 9% of the £ 180bn bank bail liability.

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

We will forge a new economy from the white heat of craft shops, shortbread makers and government funded innovators who believe that they can make electricity from Scottish seaweed.

We will cast off the chains of London and the South East so we won't have  - and we don't need  -  PLC's and multinationals with their cultural agnosticism, their global markets and their wide network of SME suppliers. 

I will also share my plans for the edible Skinto and new legislation which will seize back control of all our whisky from the robber French, English, Amercans and Japanese.  Still on the subject of bevvy, I will share my plans to raise millions and millions of Skintos through higher prices on Scottish staples such as Buckfast, White Lightning and MD 2020.

Our fearful Westminster overlords will no doubt try and criticise me for my defence plans  - my Scottish Defence Force of 6,000. Well, little do they know that I have a masterstroke up my sleeve. What need does a New Caledonia have for a massive army when I already have the single most destructive and savage force since Ghenghis Khan. Yes, I'm referring to the away supporters of the Old Firm. Just look how a handful of them laid waste to Manchester back in 2008. All over an argument about a telly.

Naturally, whilst issuing soothing comments on "social union" and friendship I will also stir up mildly racist divisions by deriding the Union and acting the ingrate;  dismissing the £ billions of tax revenues that the UK private sector currently contributes to my stagnant Scottish economy. I will also stress that, unlike my pure bred Scottish Youth, English students will have to pay £ 9,000 per annum to study at university here.  Some of you may not like it, but trust me my friends, there is nothing like unfounded ingratitude and a faint whiff of racism to turn the English voters against the Union.

Cunning, don't you think?

BRING ME SUNSHINE

Followers, you will no doubt be aware of my recent and tireless efforts traveling the globe, conducting important discussions on trade between our soon to be free nation and the power players of the world economy.

First I secured a historic agreement with China. A trade deal of such enormity that it promises to regenerate the whole of Central Scotland. Yes, of course, I'm referring to the loan agreement for our very own Fur Balls of Fun, the pandas Sunshine and Sweetie. The cuddly duo will bring thousands of gawping bairns into Edinburgh Zoo. Just think of the extra sales of fizzy pop and fat filled confectionery. Just think of the incremental thousands that will come through in parking fines. That's economic dynamism for you.

And there's more, last night I was engaged in a long, hard negotiation with our Scandinavian brothers Norway. They are drilling 2.8m barrels of oil per day and with the UK's oil production  - sorry, Scotland's oil production - falling to 250k barrels per day by 2022 we are going to have to get cosy with the canny Norwegians.

I sat late into the night with their representative Mr Clawfinger, he supping on his Aquae Vitae, and me on my glass of finest Japanese owned Tomatin malt whisky.

Eventually a deal was struck - a trade of our most precious resources for theirs.

Five free tee times a week on the Old Course in St Andrews in return for enough oil to run the Edinburgh Trams (underway from 2024) and Scotland's entire fleet of Citylink buses. The bus, together with the trams,  will be our priority for transport in the New Caledonia because, after our liberation, the evil dictators in Westminster will no doubt cancel any plans they have to extend their High Speed rail network beyond Preston and Newcastle. So be it my friends. So be it.

A NEW CURRENCY FOR A NEW CALEDONIA

 Good morning my battling brethren.

You may have read over he weekend in the Tory led Unionist press that I, Bravebelly, have demanded that our new Scotland marches forward with sterling as our currency. Do not believe their lies.

Brothers and sisters, you will also know the evil Baron Osborne (boo) is threatening to deny me the use of sterling. Something about our inability to provide sufficient support for our two zombie banks should things go badly again. Naturally, we would be utterly mad to go into the Euro (or the New Deutschmark as the wags around here like to call it). With old Mario Draghi flooding the European banks with his "all in" Covered Bond of € 1 trillion someone is set to cop it very badly if the banks revert to type and squander his cheap loans.

So, I have a solution. Never mind sterling or the Euro, I propose minting my very own currency - the Skinto.

There will be a picture of a giant wind turbine on one side and, with much reluctance, a big picture of me on the other. And here's the best bit. I've spoken to the boys at the Tunnocks factory in Uddingston and they have agreed to create four new jobs - minting my new Skintos from eco friendly chocolate. That way, if the international currency markets don't want to buy my Skintos then the people of Scotland can simply eat themselves out of economic hardship.

Coming Soon.........Norwegian trade delegation offers to buy up Princes St in Edinburgh.

THE CAVE

Sadly it is another unsavoury incident that I have to report from Cave Freedom this morning.

A group of 16 and 17 year old youths have taken to hanging around at the entrance to our cave, near the sunlight. My withering put down of one of their number in yesterday's Socratic debate had obviously not cowered them.

"O Great Bravebelly" pipes up one of them " do you not agree that your plan to hold the referendum on the anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn is a bit like Nick Griffin of the BNP asking for a referendum on Europe on the anniversary of the Normandy Landings?"

Dear Joan immediately stopped sharpening her stick in the darkest corner of the cave and fixed the callow youth with a stare. Her eyes flinched from the sunlight.

"Are you being anti Scottish boy?" she snarled.

Before a stooshie ensued I stepped in with my eloquence and calming influence.

"Well young man" I soothed " your point is an interesting one. Obviously we don't want to have a referendum any time soon because we cannot win it. I have a mandate as First Minister but if I push things too far, too soon, I risk being seen as a giant cuckoo who is seeking to speak for the majority of the Scottish people who are quite happy with the UK as it is. That could be awkward."

"But the whole 2014, Battle of Bannockburn thing," the youth interjected " I mean it's all a bit pathetic isn't it. Stirring up racist divisions and playing on ignorant jingoism?"

I could feel a small wobble coming on. I'm not used to such brazen defiance, even in the £ 480m Pandahouse at Holyrood. I noticed Dear Joan reaching for her sharpened stave but I staid her hand.

"Now, now my friend." I purred " My great predecessor William Wallace taught us the importance of picking your ground before battle. We all know that most Scots have absolutely no idea about the economics of an independent Scotland and would be shocked to learn that I am proposing to take on an annual deficit of £ 14bn based on a revenue source that will decline by 75% in the next 10 years. We cannot win on that one. So, my friend, I am preying on base instincts, forgotten and imagined resentments among the unread and insecure. Sure, the most productive and educated Scots won't buy into my anti Westminster populism, indeed, most of them will probably head off to London and retain UK citizenship. But think, just think about the army of unthinking, malleable patriots that I will be left to command in my Free Scotland. I could be in power for decades - just like my old mate Kim Il Jong in North Korea. It worked a treat for him in the face of an opulent geographical neighbour. Why not for Bravebelly?"

Argument won, I turned to face the youths, peering into the sunlight but it was too late. They'd all walked out into the bright morning light, heedless of my words of wisdom.

GRRRRS

Angry? I'm way beyond angry, I'm absolutely beelin'........full radge. I'm having a head to toe Bravebelly Wobble.

Here I am sitting reading the GERS Report and what do I find on the very first page?

This:

In 2009-10, Scotland's estimated net fiscal balance was a deficit of £19.9 billion (17.8 per cent of GDP) when excluding North Sea revenue,  a deficit of £14.0 billion (10.6 per cent of GDP) when an illustrative geographical share of North Sea revenue is included.

(http://www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2011/06/21144516/1)

Whit ? Which bampot published this? Whit are they thinking aboot??

The GERS Report is published by the Scottish Government for me - the Scottish Government. If this gets out I'm cooked. Most Scottish people think that oil means a free passport to prosperity. They don't understand the whole concept of deficits. For the sake of freedom, they can never know the truth. Imagine. It would be the start of a vortex of reason that ends up with an independent Scotland up to it's neck in debt and having to borrow £ 14bn - £ 20bn per year at an A+ rated interest rate of 4.5% as opposed the 2% interest rate the AAA rated UK would pay. A dagger to my dear brave heart fellow freedom fighters.

It's quite clear that when I win the referendum I am going to have to appoint a Head of Wasteland Security to prevent such mistakes.

How many times do I have to say it. Forget the numbers. Let's get back to emotion - good old bitterness, resentment and lack of reading up on the facts. That's my stock in trade. Bring on the Westminster lickspittles with their pink newspapers and economic lies. I will put all them to the sword and free our nation from economic recovery........... just as soon as I find the clown that published these figures in my own GERS Report.

A SOCRATIC DEBATE

Good Morning people of Caledonia - it is I Bravebelly - saviour of the Scottish nation.

You will be delighted to hear that last night's book burning was a roaring success. Bundles of economic data from Westminster and the Tory led Unionist, English press were gathered up and incinerated. No more pesky data to interfere with free flow of populist nationalism.

Dear Joan MacAggro had been particularly thorough.  One of her many spies had established that in Hamlet there is a passage referring to the Scots as a nation of drunks. Well, that was it.  The complete works of Shakespeare were added to The SNP Banned List and volume upon volume were thrown on the Pyre of Reason.

Funnily enough the subject of nationalism cropped up as we supped our porridge in front of the blaze in Cave Freedom.

Suddenly from the lighter, less shadowy area to the front of our cave, a voice piped up. "Great Bravebelly, why do you think Socrates claimed to be a "Citizen of the World" "?

Well, I thought, this is just too easy,  as my comrades watched the shadows from the fire dance on dim recesses of the cave.

"Son" I said in my most condescending voice "When since did anyone care what Brazilian footballers think about nationhood?"

"But Bravebelly, I didn't mean that Soc........" the voice answered.

"Haud yer whisht son. Accept that you don't know what you're talking about and help me with that pile of FT's in the corner."

That, my friends, is how you end a debate.