BRITON OF THE YEAR

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Whoever said that irony is dying. It’s official, yours truly, the future Liberator of Scotland, has just been voted “Briton of the Year” by Rupert Murdoch’s Times newspaper.

Crivens. You couldn’t make it up. A few tickets to the Ryder Cup at Gleneagles and a Sean Connery DVD and I’m suddenly Rupert’s favorite Brit.

Now I know he’s been struggling recently with all that phone hacking stuff but he’s not such a bad lad. Like me, he hates the English elite. Like me, he’ll stoop to any means possible to get what he wants. Like me, he’s always right. 

What a guy!

Anyway, my Caledonian comrades, look out for many more appearances from yours truly on the Sky network and in the Murdoch press. 

And just wait for our exciting new television service – the SBC. Rupert will be funding it, so that will mean 72 new channels pumping tens of Skintos into my white hot economy. 

With an audience of hundreds we'll attract adverts for tiles, carpets and caravan parks. Real high quality stuff that is not in the least bit annoying, banal and third rate.

We'll have programmes selling affordable Scottish quartz jewellery; we'll have live football from the Ayrshire Junior Leagues and we'll broadcast in depth interviews with the people driving my Brave New Scottish economy  - people like tram drivers, off licence managers and whoever it is that makes the "To Let" signs.