THE BELLY OF THE BEAST

Good Morning my wee Willie Wallaces

As you may know, today I am travelling to the belly of the beast - to London - to deliver a very important lecture.

There I will seek to set out my vision for a New Scotland as a "beacon of progressive opinion" for voters throughout the UK.

I will outline my plans on Corporation Tax - I still hope to copy Ireland, our fellow member of the Arc of Insovency, by dropping the CT rate to under 20%. However,  London are carping on about me taking my 9% share of the £ 1 trillion National Debt and another 9% of the £ 180bn bank bail liability.

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

We will forge a new economy from the white heat of craft shops, shortbread makers and government funded innovators who believe that they can make electricity from Scottish seaweed.

We will cast off the chains of London and the South East so we won't have  - and we don't need  -  PLC's and multinationals with their cultural agnosticism, their global markets and their wide network of SME suppliers. 

I will also share my plans for the edible Skinto and new legislation which will seize back control of all our whisky from the robber French, English, Amercans and Japanese.  Still on the subject of bevvy, I will share my plans to raise millions and millions of Skintos through higher prices on Scottish staples such as Buckfast, White Lightning and MD 2020.

Our fearful Westminster overlords will no doubt try and criticise me for my defence plans  - my Scottish Defence Force of 6,000. Well, little do they know that I have a masterstroke up my sleeve. What need does a New Caledonia have for a massive army when I already have the single most destructive and savage force since Ghenghis Khan. Yes, I'm referring to the away supporters of the Old Firm. Just look how a handful of them laid waste to Manchester back in 2008. All over an argument about a telly.

Naturally, whilst issuing soothing comments on "social union" and friendship I will also stir up mildly racist divisions by deriding the Union and acting the ingrate;  dismissing the £ billions of tax revenues that the UK private sector currently contributes to my stagnant Scottish economy. I will also stress that, unlike my pure bred Scottish Youth, English students will have to pay £ 9,000 per annum to study at university here.  Some of you may not like it, but trust me my friends, there is nothing like unfounded ingratitude and a faint whiff of racism to turn the English voters against the Union.

Cunning, don't you think?