TRIUMPH

-->

Did you see the lecture? Did you see …… me?

What a triumph. I dazzled them with my formidable intellect; I charmed; I soothed;  I quoted Burns and the Declaration of Arbroath. I even quoted lines from a favourite Scottish ditty. The English were mesmerized……….aside from the bloke in the front who described me as a political dinosaur who is completely out of touch with the modern and collective sense of Britishness. Pah! What does he know?

Anyway, comrades in arms. I can honestly tell you that the English have not seen the like since William Wallace stood in their Parliament Hall in 1305. Scotland spoke that day and Scotland spoke again last night!

Flush from my success I decided to push home the advantage and accept the challenge of meeting Westminster’s Grand Inquisitor, the feared Sir Jeremy of Saxo.

Needless to say I won the day and sent him back to Salford to think again.

Apparently Sir Saxo’s programme goes out when most people are in their beds or else are mildly intoxicated so here is the full transcript of my victorious interview:

Saxo: “ So, Mr Bravebelly. If you are so keen to get your hands on the depleting oil reserves why don’t you have a referendum on independence as soon as possible?”

Me: “Well, Sir Jeremy – or may I call you Jerry, or pal perhaps?”

Saxo: “You can call me whatever you like. I’m still going to treat you as the slippery demagogue that most people in Scotland recognize you to be.”

Me: “Well, Jerry, old pal, the reason we are not having the referendum sooner that the anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn is that we need time for the Scottish people to fully understand the issues and for them to fully associate me with Robert the Bruce.”

Saxo:” I see. So what you are saying is that the Scottish people don’t have the intelligence or wit to have worked out where they stand on the issue of independence already?”

Me: “ Er, I didn’t say that.”

Saxo: “ I think you’ll find that you just did. Let me put it another way. The polls state that over 60% of Scots are against independence. Is it therefore the fact that you know that you can’t win the vote just now and are buying time to stir up division through culturally obsolescent and frankly, Mr Bravebelly,  rather embarrassing populist jingoism? What do you say about that?”

Me: “Jerry, pal, let me quote an old Scottish ditty. “Ye cannae trusts the polls. They dinnae matter to the proles. They’ll believe anything their tell’t.”

Saxo: “ I’m not sure I follow?”

Me: “ Good. Neither do I. Or my supporters for that matter.”

Saxo: “You describe an independent Scotland as a “beacon of progress” for the rest of the United Kingdom. What on earth do you mean by that?”

Me: “ Well, if I can fill the vacuum created by that poor wee laddie Edward II of Miliband then, I, Bravebelly, will be the de facto leader of the Left, not only in Scotland, but also in the UK.”

Saxo: “That’s a very bold move.”

Me: “ I know, but I really am that good. I’m the best politician of my generation don’t you know.”

Saxo: Didn’t Robert Mugabe say something similar before plunging Zimbabwe into economic oblivion.”

Me: “Oi. Pal. Are you suggesting I’m some kind of meglomaniac driven by xenophobia and the desire to run a one party state ?!?”

Saxo: “  Well, if the crown fits? It could certainly be suggested that you share some of the same demagogic tendencies.”

Me “ Look, Jerry, pal, let’s be friends. I tell you what. How about I give you a case of Japanese owned Scotch Whisky and a three year contract to present the 6 o’clock news on my forthcoming SBC 1 channel. Rupert Murdoch has offered to put up the money in exchange for some more Ryder cup tickets.”

Saxo: “ I give up. The sooner we’re rid of you and your kind the better.”

Me:” Exactly. Now you've got the idea. Game set and match to Bravebelly”.