THE CAVE

Sadly it is another unsavoury incident that I have to report from Cave Freedom this morning.

A group of 16 and 17 year old youths have taken to hanging around at the entrance to our cave, near the sunlight. My withering put down of one of their number in yesterday's Socratic debate had obviously not cowered them.

"O Great Bravebelly" pipes up one of them " do you not agree that your plan to hold the referendum on the anniversary of the Battle of Bannockburn is a bit like Nick Griffin of the BNP asking for a referendum on Europe on the anniversary of the Normandy Landings?"

Dear Joan immediately stopped sharpening her stick in the darkest corner of the cave and fixed the callow youth with a stare. Her eyes flinched from the sunlight.

"Are you being anti Scottish boy?" she snarled.

Before a stooshie ensued I stepped in with my eloquence and calming influence.

"Well young man" I soothed " your point is an interesting one. Obviously we don't want to have a referendum any time soon because we cannot win it. I have a mandate as First Minister but if I push things too far, too soon, I risk being seen as a giant cuckoo who is seeking to speak for the majority of the Scottish people who are quite happy with the UK as it is. That could be awkward."

"But the whole 2014, Battle of Bannockburn thing," the youth interjected " I mean it's all a bit pathetic isn't it. Stirring up racist divisions and playing on ignorant jingoism?"

I could feel a small wobble coming on. I'm not used to such brazen defiance, even in the £ 480m Pandahouse at Holyrood. I noticed Dear Joan reaching for her sharpened stave but I staid her hand.

"Now, now my friend." I purred " My great predecessor William Wallace taught us the importance of picking your ground before battle. We all know that most Scots have absolutely no idea about the economics of an independent Scotland and would be shocked to learn that I am proposing to take on an annual deficit of £ 14bn based on a revenue source that will decline by 75% in the next 10 years. We cannot win on that one. So, my friend, I am preying on base instincts, forgotten and imagined resentments among the unread and insecure. Sure, the most productive and educated Scots won't buy into my anti Westminster populism, indeed, most of them will probably head off to London and retain UK citizenship. But think, just think about the army of unthinking, malleable patriots that I will be left to command in my Free Scotland. I could be in power for decades - just like my old mate Kim Il Jong in North Korea. It worked a treat for him in the face of an opulent geographical neighbour. Why not for Bravebelly?"

Argument won, I turned to face the youths, peering into the sunlight but it was too late. They'd all walked out into the bright morning light, heedless of my words of wisdom.